Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

Tag: everything is terrible

156 – Genosha Strikes Back

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Art by David Wynne. Contact David to purchase the original!

In which we hit the Empire Strikes Back of X-Tinction Agenda; it’s hard to be Laura Kinney; the psychic knife makes its debut; Evil!Sexy Moira retains some moral high ground; if your society is built on slavery, your society deserves to crumble; words mean things; Havok would be a terrible housecat; the mutants do not have the patent on stupidity; the opposite of blades is cotton; we give Cameron Hodge’s severed head a pep talk; and Cyclops goes full Peralta.

X-PLAINED:

  • Uncanny X-Men #271, New Mutants #96, X-Factor #61
  • Laura Kinney’s brief babysitting career
  • Our upcoming hiatus
  • Dramatis personae
  • A figurative battering ram
  • Focused totality
  • Best insults of the 1990s
  • A debate
  • Ethics of rhetoric
  • Housecat Havok
  • Skittering
  • Mutate numbering systems
  • The Prisoner vs. Les Miserables
  • The slow disintegration of reality as we know it
  • Sneaking with Cable
  • A singularly anticlimactic cover
  • A lushly illustrated report
  • Increasingly petty revenge
  • S.H.I.E.L.D.’s most advanced bald cap
  • A rising storm
  • Art teams
  • What we’d like to see out of an X-Men cinematic reboot

NEXT EPISODE: Return of the Revenge of the X-Men

You can find the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 155

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Art by David Wynne. Contact David to purchase the original!
“I HATE THIS SHIRT!” (X-Men #270)
X-Men… (X-Men #270)
…and New Mutants. (Not pictured: X-Factor.) (X-Men #270)
Look, dude, I am PRETTY SURE they have schedules in the future and you’re just being a dick. (X-Men #270)
Strong Guy FTW! (X-Men #270)
The X-Men, summed up in a single perfect panel. (X-Men #270)
“It’s impossible! Unless there was an unscrupulous redhead, or I guess if he got bored…” (X-Men #270)
Fortunately, the Genoshans were able to outfit them with strategically placed shadows and thought balloons. (New Mutants #95)
THAT’S NOT REASSURING. (New Mutants #95)
My first kiss was basically exactly like this. (New Mutants #95)
Well, then. (New Mutants #95)
The weirdly anticlimactic death of Warlock. (New Mutants #95)
In the land of Genosha… and Manhattan… and some random airstrip… and, look, they use this basic plotline a lot. (X-Factor #60)
Ah, THAT’S the Hodge we know and love! (X-Factor #60)
“Son, do you have a license for that esoteric paraphernalia?” (X-Factor #60)
Boom Boom’s dad is a jerk. (X-Factor #60)
Awwww, they’re learning! (X-Factor #60)
You’d think they’d eventually wise up and get clothes resistant to their own and each other’s powers, but, no. (X-Factor #60)
This is just delightful. (X-Factor #60)
Scott, that’s not how you–you know what? Never mind. (X-Factor #60)
I know they hadn’t been retconned to be father and son yet, but this is some great accidental foreshadowing all the same. (X-Factor #60)
NEXT EPISODE: This asshole, again.

LINKS & FURTHER READING

155 – X-Tinction Event

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Art by David Wynne. Contact David to purchase the original!

In which the X-Tinction Agenda begins in earnest; Jim Lee rocks our world; Cable doesn’t need any Mickey-Mouse schedules; Jean Grey is not paid by the word; Havok makes a heel turn; Boom Boom’s pretext of self-interest fools no one; Cameron Hodge is STILL the worst; and Jay and Miles make an announcement.

X-PLAINED:

  • Warlock across the multiverse
  • Uncanny X-Men #270, New Mutants #95, X-Factor #60
  • X-Tinction Agenda
  • The first modern crossover
  • The creative state of the X-line
  • Limitations of Marvel Unlimited
  • Dramatis Personae
  • Mickey-Mouse schedules
  • The X-Men, who do not die the old-fashioned way
  • One-way nude teleportation
  • Magistrate Summers
  • The return of Cameron Hodge’s angry severed head
  • Wipeout (again)
  • Mutates
  • The death of Warlock
  • The esoteric paraphernalia of war
  • Silver Age misogyny
  • What we’d do differently if we introduced the X-Men in 2017
  • Our upcoming hiatus

NEXT EPISODE: It gets worse.

You can find the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

Jay Recaps X-Men: Evolution
S1E10: Shadowed Past

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Ever heard of something called “The Draco”?

No, not the blonde guy from Harry Potter. The “Draco” I’m talking about is an Uncanny X-Men arc where Chuck Austen retconned Nightcrawler’s origin story to involve a father from an ancient race of demon-looking mutants long exiled to a hell dimension by a bunch of quasi-angelic counterparts.1

The Draco is one of the worst arcs of Austen’s already fairly shaky 2 run; and generally considered to be one of the worst X-Men stories ever. It’s the continuity equivalent of awkward makeouts at your company Christmas party: everyone does their best to politely pretend that it never happened, and if anyone brings it up, everyone familiar with the story gets acutely embarrassed by proxy.

I am telling you about The Draco not because it has any relevance whatsoever to X-Men: Evolution–it doesn’t–but so that you will understand where the bar sits when I tell you that “Shadowed Past” is my least favorite take on Nightcrawler’s origin story.

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As Mentioned in Episode 109 – The Passion of Madelyne Pryor

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Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
It’s the whole gang! Kind of! And some of them are evil! BUT STILL! (Uncanny X-Men #242)
No, it’s not. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
SEE? (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Only one of many reasons that enthusiastic consent is important. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Iceman is so underrated. Dude’s the heart and conscience of the original five. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
WELL, THEN. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
N’astirh may be evil, but he has impeccable taste in infernal vehicles. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
That’s the cold wind of metaphor, Alex. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Madelyne Pryor knows from genre conventions. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Aw, man. These two. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Inferno’s a pretty dark crossover, but it has some really damn delightful moments. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Love N’astirh’s face in that first panel. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
No one draws a possessed skyline like Silvestri. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
SUCKERS. You’ve still got three issues left! (Uncanny X-Men #242)
I’m genuinely curious as to whether this splash page started out as a cover design. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
“We’ll laugh about this later.” (X-Factor #38)
THAT SOUND EFFECT! (X-Factor #38)
Madelyne Pryor is the best at villain speeches. (X-Factor #38)
This panel is awesome, which is probably why there are going to be a lot of callbacks to it. (X-Factor #38)
This sequence is kind of a great encapsulation of a lot of Scott and Alex’s relationship. (X-Factor #38)
Jean’s rocky and reluctant alliance with the Phoenix force makes each of them a good deal more interesting. (X-Factor #38)
The most important relationship–and scenes–in Inferno are between Jean and Madelyne. I really wish we’d gotten more of the two of them together. (X-Factor #38)
“We’ll need to harness the power of all of our best sound effects!” (X-Factor #38)
Perfect panel is perfect. (X-Factor #38)
On one hand: this is all kind of Scott’s fault. On the other hand: it’s hard not to feel bad for him. (X-Factor #38)
Inferno: In which everyone is wrong and everyone is sympathetic. (X-Factor #38)
OH, YEAH! (Uncanny X-Men #243)
X-Factor will continue to play with this idea to some extent, but it’ll fade away pretty fast, and that’s a damn shame. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Ditto, this. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Jean, Madelyne, or Phoenix; her story at its best will always be about self-determination. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Valid. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Pawing through the X-Men’s stuff is one of the less invasive things Sinister has done in this arc, but there’s something extra creepy about it. (Uncanny X-Men #242)
Walter Simonson’s ability to make Longshot’s hair look good is the eight wonder of the world. (X-Factor #39)
Scott Summers’ Life Is An Actual Anxiety Dream, chapter infinity. (X-Factor #39)
Oh, hey, it’s the rest of Cyclops’s backstory! (X-Factor #39)
Does Nebraska even have a Department of Social Services? (X-Factor #39)
I just really love this page. (X-Factor #39)
This panel might have the highest appearance-to-reality-of-finality ratio in comics. (X-Factor #39)
And they all lived happily ever after. (X-Factor #39)
NEXT WEEK: Apocalypse for Beginners!

LINKS & FURTHER LISTENING

109 – The Passion of Madelyne Pryor

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

 

In which you should not presume to judge Madelyne Pryor by your standards; we wrap up the core plot of Inferno (but still somehow have two episodes left to go); sympathetic is not the same thing as right; Storm and Jean use friendship and it’s super effective; Iceman is basically incorruptible; Angel gets a new codename; Cyclops gets a backstory; Sinister is aptly named; and Inferno makes retcons into retconade.

X-PLAINED:

  • Limbo vs. Limbo
  • Hel vs. Hell
  • Uncanny X-Men #242-243
  • X-Factor #38-39
  • A moment that does not speak eloquently for itself
  • Several extended misunderstandings
  • The difference between sympathetic and right
  • N’astirh’s sweet ride
  • A false binary
  • The Goblin Prince
  • Yet another reason Havok should have finished his dissertation
  • The power of friendship
  • The Rube Goldberg approach to combat
  • Superconductivity, kind of
  • Our least favorite retcon in Inferno
  • The Summers brothers summed up in a single scene
  • Clone ethics
  • Why we like it when characters screw up
  • Our favorite retcons
  • How to prep for X-Men: Apocalypse

NEXT WEEK: Apocalypse for Beginners

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes, Google Play, or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 108 – What Price Glory

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Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Perfect cover is perfect. (Uncanny X-Men #239)
Hey, kids! Can you count the OSHA violations on this page? (Uncanny X-Men #239)
Does it get more Mr. Sinister than sitting on a giant crystal throne playing with X-Men action figures and expositing dramatically to himself? No. No, it does not. (Uncanny X-Men #239)
This moment is so good, and so chilling. (Uncanny X-Men #239)
Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats you. (Uncanny X-Men #239)
ABORT ABORT BAD IDEA ABORT (Uncanny X-Men #239)
“Also, apparently they were really into Pinterest.” (Uncanny X-Men #239)
I am pretty sure I have seen this exact image on the front cover of at least one VHS tape. (Uncanny X-Men #239)
Here’s every panel of Madelyne’s black dress, in order. (Uncanny X-Men #240)
Hi, M-Squad. Bye, M-Squad. (Uncanny X-Men #240)
This whole scene is so exquisitely unsettling. (Uncanny X-Men #240)
Rogue, that is… quite an outfit. (Uncanny X-Men #240)
Meanwhile, in a completely different comic book. (Uncanny X-Men #240)
“Mr. Weatherbee didn’t really go into the details of this exchange program.” (Uncanny X-Men #240)
I don’t know why I find Scrambler so endlessly hilarious, but, GOD, I do. (Uncanny X-Men #240)
Silvestri doesn’t get to do nearly as much as Blevins or Simonson with possessed objects; but he’ll make up for it with the amazing demonic cityscapes in #242. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
Close Encounters with the Fourth Wall, Colossus Edition. (Nah, they’re clones. BUT STILL.) (Uncanny X-Men #241)
I swear this police-car demon is a reference to SOMETHING, but I can’t for the life of me remember what. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
“Fuck this. I’m gonna go hang out in New Mutants.” (Uncanny X-Men #241)
This cannot POSSIBLY end well. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
“Also, I liked that scene way more when Paul Smith drew it.” (Uncanny X-Men #240)
The Greys really never catch a break. (Uncanny X-Men #240)
Nebraska: Definitely the worst state. (Uncanny X-Men #240)
And you thought your family holidays were awkward. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
Oh, damn. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
There’s at least one alternate universe in which Mister Sinister founded the X-men; but the only detail I remember is that their costumes are WAY fancier. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
This detail makes Madelyne’s story infinitely sadder. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
In which Mister Sinister effectively seals the fate of the world. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
That’s. My. Girl. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
Oh, snap. (Uncanny X-Men #241)
And then a hot dog stand ate Calvin and Hobbes. (X-Factor #36)
Awwww. (X-Factor #36)
Cool scene; dumb hats. (X-Factor #36)
In a just world, every time you looked at this panel, heroic music would start playing. (X-Factor #36)
Let’s all just take a moment to admire the composition of this splash page. (X-Factor #37)
These panels were fine in context of the page, but then I cropped them, and now all I can think of is that one really unsettling video of a sloth petting a cat. (X-Factor #37)
“Okay, but that’s gonna be really awkward at the bank.” (X-Factor #37)
Wait, what? (X-Factor #37)
“Also, you literally just teleported.” (X-Factor #37)
NEXT WEEK: The Passion of Madelyne Pryor

LINKS & FURTHER READING:

108 – What Price Glory

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

In which we recap nearly 200 issues in under three minutes; Madelyne Pryor is the Medea of X-Men; Mister Sinister takes the stage; Dazzler is basically an ’80s movie refugee; Scrambler may or may not be an exchange student from the Riverdale Marauders; Marc Silvestri is excellent at some things and less so at others; nothing good happens in Nebraska; Trish Tilby is the April O’Neil of X-Factor; and we swear that it was a total coincidence that this episode went up on Mother’s Day.

X-PLAINED:

  • One solution to the existential conundrum of the Carol Danvers who is also kind of part of Rogue
  • Pretty much everything that’s happened since the Dark Phoenix Saga
  • The structure of Inferno
  • Uncanny X-Men #239-241
  • X-Factor #36-37
  • The rise of the Goblin Queen
  • Several deaths in elevators
  • Mister Sinister and his amazing action-figure collection
  • The evolution of Mark Silvestri
  • Madelyne and Alex
  • A very symbolic dress
  • The Rainbow Room
  • M-Squad
  • That damn costume
  • 1989 in outfit form
  • Jay’s favorite Marauder
  • Rats-R-Us
  • Wolverine vs. a mail box
  • The X-Men, but evil
  • The secret origin of Madelyne Pryor
  • A long-anticipated reunion
  • Objects we’d demonically animate
  • Which X-Man should do your taxes

NEXT WEEK: The Passion of Madelyne Pryor

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes, Google Play, or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 87 – It’s Always Darkest…

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Listen to the episode here!

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Don’t get too attached to these guys. (New Mutants #59)
Roll for initiative! (New Mutants #59)
Lookit this E.C. lookin’ jerk! (New Mutants #59)
Truth. (New Mutants #59)
Seriously, the Ani-mator is so creepy. (New Mutants #60)
Or you could just–you know what? Never mind. Forget it. Freakin’ teenagers. (New Mutants #60)
And that’s why you always leave a note. (New Mutants #60)
Oh, THAT guy. (New Mutants #60)
How many times has he done this so far? Two? Three? (New Mutants #60)
Well, fuck. (New Mutants #60)
Well, fuck. (New Mutants #60)
Later, she justifies this by saying that it’s what Doug would have wanted, which seems questionable. (New Mutants #60)
Meanwhile, in the other 2/3 of the event… (New Mutants #61)
Even horses, Warlock. (New Mutants #61)
Aw, man. These kids. (New Mutants #61)
Aw, man. These kids. (New Mutants #61)
It really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sucks to be New Mutants-era Magneto. (New Mutants #61)
And to add insult to injury, somehow the graduation costumes got even worse. (New Mutants #61)
NEXT WEEK: The Fall of the Mutants concludes with X-Factor!

87 – It’s Always Darkest… (Fall of the Mutants, Part 2 of 3)

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

In which the New Mutants learn that they are not, in fact, immortal; Louise Simonson finds her stride; the Ani-Mator makes Cameron Hodge look downright reasonable; hating humans is Magneto’s security blanket; Doug Ramsey dies; and we continue our coverage of the Fall of the Mutants.

X-PLAINED:

  • Sugar Man
  • New Mutants #59-61
  • Bird Brain
  • The Ani-Mator
  • The Ani-Mates
  • Stylistic whiplash
  • Why you always leave a note
  • The death of Doug Ramsey
  • Black Condor’s amazing origin story
  • Interpersonal dynamics in New Mutants
  • Parsing ongoing series
  • Why Doug died
  • 616 characters we’d trade for their Battleworld counterparts
  • Storytelling trends and the decline of though balloons

NEXT WEEK: …Just Before Dawn

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!