Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 291 – Eat Malarkey and Die

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Logan just straight-up has a mane in this timeline. (Weapon X #1)
Seriously, this has to be the worst mode of transportation. (Weapon X #1)
“I’ll finish you, just like I finished my disserta– ohhhh, shit.” (Weapon X #1)
NEVER NOT FUNNY. (Weapon X #1)
Is… is Logan saying that he hopes Havok gets teleported into somebody’s butt? (Weapon X #1)
Snnnnrk. (Weapon X #1)
He spends hours thinking ’em up. (Weapon X #1)
Seriously, if it weren’t for that damn pose, this page would be SO cool. (Weapon X #1)
Logan subscribes to the Dan McNinja school of tactics. (Weapon X #2)
To his credit, I’d be pretty nonplussed if this fell through my ceiling. (Weapon X #2)
The setup… (Weapon X #2)
…and the punchline. (Weapon X #2)
I see what you did, there. (Weapon X #3)
She doesn’t seem to have a sash, so I’m just going to go ahead and assume that Carol-295 just carries rhythmic gymnastic ribbons to make her leaps look more dramatic. (Weapon X #3)
This version of Gateway is really cool, and deserves both more page space and more analysis than he gets. (Weapon X #3)
CAROL FOREVER. (Weapon X #3)
Was Logan just, like, saving this for a rainy day? (Weapon X #4)
That is certainly one way to navigate an airship. (Weapon X #4)
You know nothing pleasant is going to follow this sound effect. (Weapon X #4)
‘Kay. (Weapon X #4)
NEXT EPISODE: Vulcan is still the worst Summers Brother in any universe, though.

LINKS & FURTHER ATROCITIES

291 – Eat Malarkey and Die

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which we celebrate a birthday; nuclear war is never a good Plan A; every Logan is Old Man Logan; we are underwhelmed by the Pretty Boys of Earth-295; Jean Grey is one hell of a pilot; there are so many reasons not to like Donald Pierce; teleporters are the narrative nuclei of the Age of Apocalypse; and Gateway of Earth-295 deserves significantly more in-depth exploration than we can provide.

X-PLAINED:

  • Weapon X (Logan)
  • Weapon X #1-4
  • Irony
  • Coordinating costumes to tattoos (and vice versa)
  • How to ride a sentinel
  • Apocalypse’s sea wall
  • Mutant power classifications
  • The mass human evacuation
  • Nuclear war
  • Magma
  • A load of malarkey
  • Interactions of telepathy and PTSD
  • The Pretty Boys of Earth-295
  • How not to jump out of a zeppelin
  • What Carol Danvers smells like
  • Gateway (Earth-295)
  • An exceptionally high-tech guilt trip
  • Unconventional navigation
  • Character transformations between universes
  • The complex conundrum of Jean Grey
  • When humans became aware about mutants
  • Logan’s D&D alignment
  • Our own D&D character histories

NEXT EPISODE: Factor X!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 290 – The Obvious, the Silly, and the True

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Magneto is definitely bowling in this picture, right? (Astonishing X-Men #1)
I dunno if I’d call them astonishing, but they’ll do. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
Magneto’s X-Men are AT LEAST 50% more dramatic than Xavier’s, and I’m okay with that. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
We would x-plain Rex; but he’s honestly just some guy. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
The first thing Apocalypse did upon seizing power was dissolve OSHA. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
Okay, he’s got his moments. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
This is just incandescently delightful. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
Best character design in the AoA. (Astonishing X-Men #2)
Is the lake of blood literal, metaphorical, or both? You be the judge! (Astonishing X-Men #2)
THIS. PERFECT. TWIST. (Astonishing X-Men #2)
Spoiler: No, and no. (Astonishing X-Men #2)
Kinda disappointed that we never got to see this play. (Astonishing X-Men #3)
kyle no (Astonishing X-Men #3)
Is.. is Sabretooth not allowed to say “Hell”? (Astonishing X-Men #3)
Still not as weird as force-feeding superheroes baby food. (Astonishing X-Men #3)
Sure, why not? (Astonishing X-Men #3)
Now you’re thinking with portals! (Astonishing X-Men #4)
And he didn’t even quit the team once! (Astonishing X-Men #4)
Morph is a goof, but he’s also by far the most emotionally literate of the X-Men. (Astonishing X-Men #4)
Rogue is DONE with this event. (Astonishing X-Men #4)
NEXT EPISODE: The beginning of a descent into madness!

290 – The Obvious, the Silly, and the True

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which it’s kind of a relief to be talking about a fictional apocalypse right now; Joe Madureira defines the look of the mid-late 1990s; Sunfire is less cheesecake than crepes Suzette; it all comes back to capes; Wild Child is more than he seems; Holocaust sucks about as much as you’d expect of someone who picked that code name; Jay has surprisingly strong feelings about Morph; Miles is all about judging some babies; resistance is fundamental to the X-Men’s identity within a superhero-universe paradigm; nobody deserves to be quarantined with Quentin Quire; and our two-week lead is making proofing these podcasts an increasingly surreal experience.

X-PLAINED:

  • Several things Blink might have done but did not.
  • The status quo as of mid-March, 2020
  • Earth-295 (more) (again)
  • Astonishing X-Men #1-4
  • Our coverage of the core Age of Apocalypse series
  • Age of Apocalypse as proof of concept
  • The best character design of Earth-295
  • Some guy named Rex
  • A lake of blood which may or may not be figurative
  • Sabretooth’s last-ish stand
  • The revolutionary value of silliness
  • Jay’s favorite Orwell quote
  • The Infinite Processing Plant
  • DefCon Armageddon
  • A very cool fight scene
  • Catharsis
  • Mutants without the metaphor
  • Best and worst X-Men to be quarantined with

NEXT EPISODE: Weapon X!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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HAWK TALK – Social Distance Special

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Normally, this would be a skip week and there wouldn’t be an episode – but things are pretty weird in the world right now. Let’s talk X-Men comfort reads – with bonus complete lack of editing!

As Mentioned in Episode 289 – Unsolved Mysteries

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
A ToS Trek novel, specifically, I think. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
This statue sucks. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
Sinister is a terrible parent. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
Okay, but why are the guys they’re fighting wearing bondage harnesses? (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
We were so baffled by the abs that we did not consider that they had been dressing him in skintight jeans and pirate boots for five years. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
Robbie flippin’ Robertson: a badass in any universe. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
“Is it me, or do these briefings get weirder every time?” (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
It would be more depressing when Sinister told him he was the worse brother, though. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
These assholes work for a genocidal nightmare regime and yet call a graveyard “the ghost lands.” (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
A familiar story, except where it’s not. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
OH, SHIT. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
If you didn’t know Corsair was doomed before, Havok’s last line definitely clinches it. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
There’s probably a Gatecrasher joke to be found somewhere, but honestly, after this week, I’m fresh out. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
Still not the most awkward conversation they’ve had in a comic, for what it’s worth. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines)
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light)
Yeah, Death, you’re not gonna impress Cyclops with that. He was raised by Sinister; he’s effectively immune to Extra. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light)
Sweatertown: Population, Blink. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light)
Aw, Ship. =( (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light)
He really is. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light)
I bet when people tell AoA Nightcrawler “Your Mom” jokes, he just kinda sighs and acknowledges that they’re probably right. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light)
BLACKAGAR BOLTAGON YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light)
Look, I’m just saying: it’s no telling Dracula to follow his heart. (Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light)
NEXT EPISODE: Astonishing X-Men

LINKS & FURTHER CATASTROPHES:

289 – Unsolved Mysteries

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which this episode is way more topical than it was when we recorded it; Apocalypse makes a terrible Statue of Liberty; there are no reliable narrators; Robbie Robertson and Carmen Sandiego are your new OTP; Emplate is creepy in any universe; lawful evil is still evil; and partial universe reboots come with some fairly silly problems.

X-PLAINED:

  • Awkward intersections of fiction and reality
  • Pandemic (Dr. Richard Palance)
  • Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: Sinister Bloodlines
  • Tales from the Age of Apocalypse: By the Light
  • Brooding in multiple ways at once.
  • Corsair (Christopher Summers) (Earth-295)
  • Reconciling cross-universe timelines
  • The Shi’ar (Earth-295)
  • Comparative Summers Backstory
  • Robbie Robertson (Earth-295)
  • Northstar and Aurora (Earth-295)
  • Emplate and the Monets (Earth-295)
  • The Bedlam Brothers (Earth-295)
  • Brood problems
  • The most awkward Summers family reunion to date
  • The Absorbing Man (Earth-295)
  • Diablo (Earth-295)
  • Senator Robert Kelly (Earth-295)
  • The fall of the Guthrie family
  • An early era of Magneto’s X-Men
  • A trip to the moon
  • Death (Maximus Boltagon)
  • Whether the Beyonder of Earth-295 knows how to poop
  • Listening to this podcast with kids

NEXT EPISODE: Astonishing X-Men!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 288 – Cape Citadel Remix

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
The brightness of this cover is so distinctive among the generally dark aesthetic of AoA. (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
Scenic Wundagore Mountain. Don’t get too attached. (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
It’s weird how functional their relationship is in this timeline. (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
Dig those primary colors! (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
Ugh, THAT guy. (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
“Also, we’re gonna divide you all up into guilds.” (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
Aw, kiddo. (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
Ah, yes, the traditional horsemen of Death, War, Gideon, Candra, and Sabretooth. (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
This guy is going to get immolated and then change his name to Holocaust, because he makes universally poor choices. (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
Meanwhile on ao3… (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
I like how retro Apocalypse is at the beginning of Earth-295 his rise. (X-Men: Chronicles #1)
So, yeah, that’s Wolverine. (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THE SHOULDERS (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
“Who has the least healthy boundaries?” (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
The X-Men’s presence is about 50/50 concern/ogling. (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
Nope. (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
How not to ask your crush out, starring Remy LeBeau, Disaster Bisexual. (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
Any time they have sex. every credit card in the mansion ends up demagnetized. (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
TFW canon sticks an OTP in your OT3. (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
Seriously, HOW? (X-Men: Chronicles #2)
NEXT EPISODE: Somehow, Summers family reunions get even worse.

288 – Cape Citadel Remix

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Magneto is a drama llama in any universe (but a remarkably decent parent in at least one); the soap opera hits the Age of Apocalypse; Weapon X is a man made of red flags; Gambit has an OT3; the better man wins; some blanks are better left unfilled; and we would probably not fare too well on Earth-295.

X-PLAINED:

  • The other Magnus
  • Synchronicity
  • Earth-295 (more) (again)
  • X-Men Chronicles #1-2
  • Selective backstory
  • Magneto’s hair
  • Wundagore Mountain
  • Aesthetics of the Age of Apocalypse
  • The X-Men of Earth-295
  • Magneto’s pedagogy
  • More miscellaneous horsemen
  • Weapon X (Logan)
  • Cape Citadel, revisited
  • The death of the Scarlet Witch
  • Disaster Bisexual Gambit
  • Wolverine (but not that one)
  • Punks who may or may not also be scrimshanders
  • Emotionally well-adjusted Quicksilver
  • Further miracles of magnetism
  • The narrative power of evocation
  • Age of Somebody Else
  • Jay and Miles of Earth-295

NEXT EPISODE: Summers Family Reunions somehow get even worse.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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Welcome to the Glammest Timeline

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HI! Jay here! This week we dove into the gritty, glittery entrails of Earth-295 (better known as the Age of Apocalypse), where we’ll be spending the next several months. And as some of you have spotted, we’ve updated our cover art to match, care of x-ceptional artist and long-time friend of the show Peter Nguyen:

HOT DAMN

Not only that, but Peter hooked us up with a time-lapse video of the creation of the cover, condensing about four hours of digital art into four minutes, which you can watch below the cut! Continue reading