Peter Parker – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 325 – Captain Bloodscream

February 28, 2021 Jay One comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

I’m sorry; I cannot accept this as Cable. (X-Force/Cable Annual 1995)

The Impossible Teens. (X-Force/Cable Annual 1995)

Yay, Team-Ups! (Spider-Man Team-Up #1)

Tessa, Shade Queen of the Hellfire Club. Spider-Man Team-Up #1

SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THE GOLD CROTCH THING (Spider-Man Team-Up #1)

Also Tessa. (Spider-Man Team-Up #1)

NO, SERIOUSLY: 30-50 FERAL HOGS. (X-Men Unlimited #9)

FUCKING GHOST PIRATES Y’ALL (X-Men Unlimited #9)

YES AS A MATTER OF FACT I WILL BE CAPTIONING ALL THE IMAGES FROM THIS ISSUE IN ALL CAPS (X-Men Unlimited #9)

LOOK AT THIS MAN. THIS IS A MAN LIVING HIS DREAM. (X-Men Unlimited #9)

SURE WHY NOT (X-Men Unlimited #9)

SHARK FIGHT SHARK FIGHT (X-Men Unlimited #9)

THIS VISUAL IS LIKE ALL THE GOOFINESS OF THE EPISODE IN A NUTSHELL (X-Men Unlimited #9)

KING OF THE CAT PEOPLE (X-Men Unlimited #9)

FOOTNOTES FOR THE FOOTNOTE GODS (X-Men Unlimited #9)

FISH! FISH OF DECEIT! (X-Men Unlimited #9)

OH HEY WE KNOW THAT GUY (X-Men Unlimited #9)

THE NEXT TWO IMAGES WILL JUST BE KICKASS BLOODSCREAM YOU’RE WELCOME (X-Men Unlimited #9)

I WISH HIM THE BEST (X-Men Unlimited #9)

NEXT EPISODE: The Adversary probably does not actually join X-Factor.

325 – Captain Bloodscream

February 28, 2021 Jay 12 comments

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In which we recommend against having a birthday in the Marvel Universe; Shinobi Shaw was a proto-Quentin Quire; Lee Forrester returns under the best possible circumstances; Bloodscream lives his best unlife; Belasco is apparently master of the cat people now; and a former Marvel intern returns to solve a mystery.

X-PLAINED:

Bloodscream (again)
X-Force/Cable Annual 1995
Spider-Man Team-Up #1
X-Men Unlimited #9
The Impossible Man (and his slacker kids)
The Clone Saga
Benedict Kine
A really superlative insult
The continuity box
Still more Bloodscream
30-50 feral hogs
GHOST PIRACY
Belasco (more)(again)
The N’garai (more) (again)
A follow-up to a mystery from Episode #323

NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor vs. the Adversary

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Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 258 – True Believers, Opportunists, and Crooks (feat. Lisa Winters)

August 4, 2019 Miles Leave a comment

Listen to the podcast here!

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Wait, I could have taped my carefully-clipped-out newspaper strips into a book designed especially for that purpose? HAD I BUT KNOWN! (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #0)

…although the IKEA box that Jay decoupaged those strips onto does look pretty damned cool.

Newspaper strip motivations only get two or three panels’ worth of complexity. (Spider-Man: the newspaper comic strip)

Hey, it’s a Sunday page! I don’t think my paper got these. (Spider-Man: the newspaper comic strip)

Did… did that guy just have that picket sign with him? Just in case? (Spider-Man: the newspaper comic strip)

Breaking into places is pretty easy, I guess. Time for a life of crime! (Spider-Man: the newspaper comic strip)

Pacing! (Spider-Man: the newspaper comic strip)

Laser cages, surprises, goblin gliders – this one’s got it all! (Spider-Man: the newspaper comic strip)

PUMPKIN BOMB WITH A KNIFE STICKING OUT OF IT FOR PRESIDENT (Spider-Man: the newspaper comic strip)

You know how your skin gets wrinkly if you stay in the tub for too long? (Spider-Man: the newspaper comic strip)

I mean, newspaper comics are fun, but… Backstory! Motivation! Continuity! (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #1)

Remember Amazing Adventures volume 2 #11? This miniseries does! (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #1)

Hank McCoy: Master of Disguise. (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #1)

Moichandising! (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #1)

Can’t fit that into a newspaper strip! (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #1)

Banter! (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #2)

“Basically, we used to party all the time, but then this furry guy broke a wristwatch and everything sucked after that.” (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #2)

Prosaic? More like AWESOME! …Admittedly, I say this as someone outside of the cage. (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #2)

This scientist only appears on a few pages, but he’s already the best villain in the series. And he doesn’t even have a pumpkin bomb with a knife sticking out of it. (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #2)

They tried rolling out a Goblin Glider rental program in Portland, but mostly folks just crashed them into things. (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #3)

Uh, Landon, you’ve got something in your teeth – no, to the left – yeah, you got it. (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #3)

Dammit, Jason, it’s not even October! (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #3)

I love this guy. (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #3)

Landon-type Pokemon are weak against Irony-type attacks. (Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda #3)

If you have a 90s Marvel cartoon, you work Wolverine in wherever you can. It’s the law. (Spider-Man: The Animated Series season 2, episode 17, The Mutant Agenda)

Landon’s transformation takes a somewhat different turn on-screen than on the page. (Spider-Man: The Animated Series season 2, episode 18, Mutants’ Revenge)

NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor mourns and moves on.

258 – True Believers, Opportunists, and Crooks (feat. Lisa Winters)

August 4, 2019 Miles 14 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Lisa Winters pinch-hits for Jay, we take a trip to the newspaper funnies and back, Spider-Man and Beast are natural BFFs, nothing good ever happens at the Brand Corporation, and “mutant” can be a pretty fuzzy concept.

X-PLAINED:

Bessie the Hellcow
Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda (the newspaper strip storyline)
Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda (the comic book miniseries)
Spider-Man: Mutant Agenda (the cartoon episodes)
Four-color hoards
Three-panel newspaper comic structure
Sunday strips (and their Mark Trail deceptions)
Hero Jaws – a breakfast-based theory
Spider-Man (Peter Parker)
The Brand Corporation
The Beast (Henry McCoy)
Narratively convenient Spider Sense
Hobgoblin (Jason Macendale Jr.)
Goblin gliders
Picket signs (*air horn sound*)
Finger blasters (heh)
Laser cages
Arcade’s superpower flowcharts
Mutants: newspaper versus comic continuity
Coming home to the 90s
Lisa’s favorite X-Man
Beast’s versatile character design
Spider-to-X ratios
Dark, tortured heroes
Herbert Landon’s selective memory
Confirmation bias
Anti-mutant cancer goo
Ironic reversals
Wolverine, the most marketable mutant
Evil British accents
The most adaptable Spider-Man / X-Men crossovers
The X-Men and the newspaper funnies

NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor mourns and moves on.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

As Mentioned in Episode 242 – Spider-Mansfield Park

April 7, 2019 Jay One comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Okay, then. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #1)

…Actually, yeah, it does kind of look like Jello. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #1)

Flash Thompson should probably not be left in charge of children. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #1)

These charming reprobates. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #1)

This is also what he does when he sees someone parked illegally. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #1)

I’m not sure exactly what is happening with Havok’s hair in this panel, but it is not okay. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #1)

I bet JJJ smells like an ashtray, like, ALL the time. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #1)

Spider-Man: He’s Not Phil (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #1)

“Seriously, have you MET us?” (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #2)

He looks like such a reprobate. It’s great. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #2)

“By the hoary hosts of Hearst!” (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #3)

“In other breaking news, I have bizarrely tiny hands!” (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #3)

Aw, poor Mirrorfacemaskperson. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #3)

I really thought I was losing my mind briefly; but compare Havok’s hair on this page… (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #3)

…and the subsequent page. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #3)

It’s like a fight, right? (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #3)

WHOOPS. (Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games #3)

NEXT EPISODE: Then…

…and now!

LINKS & FURTHER DIVERSIONS:

242 – Spider-Mansfield Park

April 7, 2019 Jay 24 comments

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In which we encounter one of comics’ greatest rarities; Spider-Man cannot actually do whatever a spider can; Flash Thompson subscribes to the X-Factor school of child endangerment; alliteration is the source of a very specific sort of powers; Spider-Man is not Phil; guilt is Spider-Man’s greatest motivator; we root for the antagonists; Guido Carosella would be an epic Twitter monster; a lot of people have hung out with the X-Men; and Glob Herman is a lovable, gross mystery.

X-PLAINED:

Spider-Man / X-Men Crossovers
Other media we have consumed recently
Spider-Man and X-Factor: Shadow Games
What a spider can do
What Spider-Man can do
Shadow Force
Hard Time
Airborne
Oversize
Firefight
Ambush
Mirrorshade
JELLO Jigglers(TM)
Journalistic alliteration
The government
A comfortable fictional jacket
How to find Flash Thompson
Many sound effects
The untimely death of Mirrorshade
Why we’re not covering the Captain Marvel movie
Glob Herman’s powers

NEXT EPISODE: Somehow we been doing this for FIVE WHOLE YEARS?!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

As Mentioned in Episode 177 – The Less You Know

December 18, 2017 Jay 3 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Luckily for Terrence, the actual X-Men were ALSO lurking by the playground! (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

“Look, to be honest, several of us are DEFINITELY not trustworthy.” (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

“Also, would you say that your kidneys are in good condition?” (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

BEAST, NO. (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

Gambit is definitely the Least Safe X-Man. (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

So, that’s a thing that exists. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

Circle of Death time is the best time! (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

Evolution in action. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

I absolutely do not believe that you did not see anyone unusual at a state fair. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

They’re so bad at not being menacing. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

“He sees you forever and ever, Alan!” (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

This panel is amazing. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

“Let us never speak of today again.” (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

The contents of one of the greatest minds on Earth. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

This is a fundamentally self-defeating activity page, and also a really boring connect-the-dots puzzle. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

Let’s just assume that it’s a slow news day. (Smokescreen)

Centaur? Immortal Iron Fist? WHY NOT BOTH? (Smokescreen)

Kids can’t resist a plaid vest. (Smokescreen)

“So… what you’re basically saying is that he’s a teenager?” (Smokescreen)

She still gets taken out like a chump, though. (Smokescreen)

“Hey, wanna see some of his shrink’s notes, while we’re grossly violating his privacy?” (Smokescreen)

MARK TRAIL, NO! (Smokescreen)

oh my god look at this asshole (Smokescreen)

“Tell me, Bret, how much do you know about the migratory patterns of mallard ducks?” (Smokescreen)

That is certainly one way to do a thing. (Smokescreen)

NEXT EPISODE: Giant-Size Winter Special!

177 – The Less You Know

December 18, 2017 Jay 36 comments

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In which we discuss several Very Special Issues; the real cautionary tale is not to trust Hank McCoy; horses are vehicles of lies and heartbreak; the X-Men shill for a state fair; whatever you’re doing, Cyclops is here to stop you; smoking is a gateway to some really weird vices; and we want YOU to design the latest X-Men PSA!

X-PLAINED:

The alternate-timeline terrible choices of Hank McCoy
Our wholly unfounded theories about Spongebob Squarepants
Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men
VHS tapes
Blockbuster KidPrint
Mariano Nicieza
Some Fundamental Problems With Superhero PSAs
A man who may or may not be D-Man
Terrence
Why Cable should deliver more PSAs
Why D.A.R.E. doesn’t work
Varying coherent cautionary tales
The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas
A tragic lack of carnies
Danny the centaur and his very intense feelings about horses
Several exciting attractions at the State Fair of Texas
Big Tex
Activities
Smokescreen
Bret Jackson
Some of the lesser-known danger of smoking
Whether Danny Rand can turn into a centaur
Hanging out and other gateways to delinquency
The South Side Social Club
Jake
Etiquette of following teenagers around
A villainous plan so ineffective that it’s actually kind of sad
X-Men you should hire for your PSAs
Our thoughts on the Disney/Fox merger
Where to find Bloodstorm
Baby Jumping

NEXT EPISODE: Giant-Size Winter Special!

LISTENER CHALLENGE: Send your X-Men PSAs to [email protected] with the subject PSA by December 27!

You can find the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 43 – It’s Not a Secret If It’s in the Title

February 8, 2015 Jay 30 comments

Listen to the episode here!

Art by David Wynne. Prints, cards, and travel mugs available until 2/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.

Heroes! (Secret Wars #1)

Villains! (Secret Wars #1)

Battleworld! (Secret Wars #1)

“Also, we’ll totally show up DC and Kenner!” (Secret Wars #1)

Doctor Doom: ever the opportunist. (Secret Wars #1)

This is the best panel of Secret Wars. You can stop reading now. (Secret Wars #1)

DON’T HELP DOCTOR DOOM UP. (Secret Wars #1)

“Damn,” thinks Doom, “If I could do that, those jerky heroes would NEVER have offered to help me up.” (Secret Wars #2)

So, yeah, that happens. (Secret Wars #3)

Johnny Storm: The smoothest man in the Marvel Universe. Also, this raises some questions. Why not spell out “four”? Does he pronounce it differently? Make a hand signal? IT’S A MYSTERY. (Secret Wars #4)

How did this get past the CCA? Who the hell knows. (Secret Wars #5)

Man, if I got super high with a guy I was into and then hallucinated Secret Wars, that would pretty much be the end of that relationship. (Secret Wars #5)

“Ohhhhh, the OTHER Spider-Woman.” (Secret Wars #7)

‘Kay. (Secret Wars #8)

Meet Klaw. (Secret Wars #9)

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THIS CAN POSSIBLY END POORLY. (Secret Wars #10)

Yeah, Colossus, but would you tumble 4 her? (Secret Wars #11)

Seriously, did these guys learn NOTHING from the Cold War? (Secret Wars #11)

Okay, that’s legitimately a pretty cool gimmick. (Secret Wars #12)

MEET YOUR PROTAGONIST. (Secret Wars II #1)

Stewart “Unflattering Caricature of Steve Gerber” Cadwall. (Secret Wars II #1)

Wellp. (Secret Wars II #1)

He’s never actually seen food, but damnit, he’s played River City Ransom! (Secret Wars II #2)

Can you imagine being any of the people the Beyonder interacts with? (Secret Wars II #2)

Remember that time Peter Parker had to teach a cosmic entity to poop? BECAUSE THAT CERTAINLY HAPPENED. (Secret Wars II #2)

Seriously, it’s all downhill from here. (Secret Wars II #2)

This will propel the plot of like two months of other comic books. Not even joking. (Secret Wars II #2)

So, then that happens. (Secret Wars II #3)

There is literally no romantic or sexual relationship in this series that is okay by any reasonable definition. Also note that AMAZING block of “next issue” text. (Secret Wars II #4)

Boom-Boom is the hands-down best thing to come out of Secret Wars II. (Secret Wars II #5)

Jim Shooter’s X-Men: “Mutant kid in need? NAH, LET’S KILL A DUDE!” (Secret Wars II #5)

Even the Thing is having trouble maintaining enthusiasm for this debacle. (Secret Wars II #7)

This is roughly how Rachel imagines Marvel Editorial circa 1985.

Reasonable. (Secret Wars II #8)

The Beyonder: Definitely a really sympathetic protagonist. (Secret Wars II #8)

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. (Secret Wars II #8)

Remember this, because it will have hella repercussions down the line. (Secret Wars II #9)

Ah, Molecule Man, one of the unforgettable heavy-hitters of the Marvel Universe. (Secret Wars II #9)

Remember that time a bunch of heroes saved the universe by murdering a baby? (Secret Wars II #9)

NEXT WEEK: Legion, with Si Spurrier!

43 – It’s Not a Secret If It’s in the Title

February 8, 2015 Jay 27 comments

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In which we cover 21 issues in one episode; Secret Wars is a toy commercial; Jim Shooter’s X-Men are not the X-Men to which we are accustomed; Doctor Doom makes a surprisingly benevolent god; Secret Wars II is neither secret nor a war; The Beyonder learns to poop; and Boom-Boom is the best thing to come out of Secret Wars.

X-Plained:

Secret Wars
The not-particularly-secret origin of Secret Wars
Binary morality
Battleworld
The Wrecking Crew
Klaw
The Beyonder
Molecule Man
Doki-Doki Universe
Titania and Volcana
Zsaji
Secret Wars II
The Passion of Jim Shooter
Stewart Cadwall
What people do
Tie-ins
Pooping
What it means to be Spider-Man
Boom-Boom (Tabitha Smith)
The time a bunch of superheroes saved the universe by killing a baby

NEXT WEEK: Legion, with Si Spurrier!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

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