professor x – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 410 – Jubilee, Don’t Eat That

May 7, 2023 Jay Leave a comment

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A boojum, which is later referred to repeatedly as a snark but is clearly not one for reasons expounded in this episode. (Generation X #37)

Gaia the Super Chill. (Generation X #37)

SURE WHY NOT (Generation X #37)

A somewhat unlikely timetable. (Generation X #37)

SURE WHY NOT (Generation X #37)

I freakin’ love this cover. (Generation X #38)

Interdimensional portals are rad as heck. (Generation X #38)

(Generation X #38)

jubilee no don’t eat that why would you even (Generation X #39)

SURE WHY NOT (Generation X #39)

In a genre full of deeply oblivious goons, these two may in fact be the most oblivious. (Generation X #39)

NEXT EPISODE: The return of the Angry Clarmontean Narrator!

410 – Jubilee, Don’t Eat That

May 7, 2023 Jay 12 comments

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In which the M-Plate Saga continues; Jay gets into the spirit of the day; we briefly give up on our primary mission; the story is coordinated if not coherent; Miles is not allowed to continuity-shame about Tolkein; Gaia is extra chill; Dirt Nap discovers altruism; and Jubilee should absolutely not have eaten that.

X-PLAINED:

Vampires vs. Marrow (again)
Whether Marrow is a mutant
Drugs
X-Plaining the inexplicable
Generation X #37-39
M-Plate (more) (again)
A Boojum
How to correctly identify a snark
The Universal Amalgamator (more) (again)
A door
Moria, kind of, I guess?
Mysterious topiary
An equally mysterious train
The Citadel of the Universal Amalgamator
Gaia
How to make a deal with a Token
Orange milk
A network of interdimensional water closets
The Bill the Pony Effect
An attempted murder
Monet vs. Northstar
Characters we’d like to see come out of the subtext

NEXT EPISODE: The Angry Claremontean Narrator Returns

CORRECTION: Miles said that the previous episode was #410. This episode is in fact #410; the previous episode is #409.

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As Mentioned in Episode 406 – The Most Dangerous Mini-Game

April 9, 2023 Jay Leave a comment

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So, that’s where he got it! (Wolverine #-1)

I love this design for Sabretooth. (Wolverine #-1)

And also his car. (Wolverine #-1)

Literally nothing is okay at the Blanding/Masters house. (X-Factor #-1)

Mister Sinister lurks in the bushes. (X-Factor #-1)

They’re AT LEAST in their early 20s. (X-Factor #-1)

DAMN, Haley! (X-Factor #-1)

The most dangerous mini-game. (X-Factor #-1)

Alex Summers in a nutshell. (X-Factor #-1)

Wellp, you did that. (X-Force #-1)

I swear I thought this thing was gonna be a red herring. (X-Force #-1)

Everything cute about this issue is also really sad. (X-Force #-1)

How Thunderbird got his code name. (X-Force #-1)

Don’t worry, Tabby; soon you’ll be stealing with the best of ’em! (X-Force #-1)

The Circus of Cameos. (X-Force #-1)

In which John Produstar straight-up wrassles a tiger. (X-Force #-1)

“We also do a lot of crimes, but they’re pretty low-key as comic-book circus crimes go.” (X-Force #-1)

Ugh, this guy. (X-Force #-1)

Naked in Space: The Charles Francis Xavier Story. (X-Men #-1)

Magneto, a sensible fellow, wears clothes in the vacuum of space. (X-Men #-1)

IT NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY (X-Men #-1)

DRAMATIC! JUXTAPOSITION! (X-Men #-1)

NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor hits rock-bottom, again.

LINKS & FURTHER READING

If you want to know more about the man behind the mustache, we recommend the hell out of Abraham Josephine Riesman’s True Believer: The Rise and Fall of Stan Lee.

406 – The Most Dangerous Mini-Game

April 2, 2023 Jay 5 comments

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In which we disagree about the value of Stan Lee intros; everybody wants Wolverine; Mister Sinister lurks; Haley Blanding deserves better; Thunderbird fights a tiger; and Xavier and Magneto do their usual thing.

X-PLAINED:

The Circus of Crime
Stan Lee intros
Wolverine #-1
X-Factor #-1
X-Force #-1
X-Men #-1
Proust vs. Sartre
How Logan joined Alpha Flight
The secret origin of the word “canucklehead.”
USDA, Annex B
Myron MacLain
Logan’s cigars
Yet more continuity errors
Sabretooth’s ridiculous car
The balance of scary and silly
Wolverine’s cowboy hat
Summers family bullshit
The Blandings and/or Masterses
Vince
The Proudstar family
One or more cats named Coyote
The origin of Thunderbird’s totem
Edwin Martynec (again)
Chondu the Magician
Ringmaster
Yet more Xavier and Magneto flashback drama
The bottom of the resurrection queue
Good car-trip episodes

NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor continues to make poor decisions

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 394 – We All Have to Go Sometime

December 11, 2022 Jay Leave a comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

It’s the OZT broadcast that keeps on giving! (X-Men #66)

Cecilia Reyes, reluctant hero. (X-Men #66)

I really thought this was a callback to a bit of Iceman’s Silver Age origin story, but it is not. (X-Men #66)

Here for the meme. (X-Men #66)

Sabra, puncher of cars, owner of the world’s most durable bra. (X-Men #67)

Speaking of callbacks. (X-Men #68)

I know that Marrow is not actually supposed to be kicking herself in the face here, but I can’t see it any other way. (X-Men #68)

Can you imagine a more awkward person to get stuck in a bathroom conversation with than Henry Peter Gyrich? (X-Men #68)

Again, here for your Internet use. (X-Men #68)

Sabra’s costume is fairly cool. (X-Men #68)

HOW DOES SHE SAY THAT MUCH WHILE JUMPING OUT OF THE WATER DOLPHIN-STYLE? (X-Men #69)

And that’s that, sort of. (X-Men #69)

NEXT EPISODE: Bastion and his fleshy appendages!

LINKS & FURTHER LIFE LESSONS:

Nearly 40 years after Secret Wars II, Spider-Man is still teaching people to poop.

394 – We All Have to Go Sometime

December 4, 2022 Jay 15 comments

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In which there’s always room for another X-cast; Cecilia Reyes wasn’t even supposed to be here today; Sabra has indestructible underwear; prime sentinels are probably even worse pets than quail; Marrow probably swears more than superhero comics allow for; and Operation Zero Tolerance comes to an end.

X-PLAINED:

The original proposed ending of Operation Zero Tolerance
The actual ending of Operation Zero Tolerance
X-Men #66-69
Operation Zero Tolerance (so far)
Prime Sentinels (again)
Bastion (more) (again)
Spidey and His Amazing Friends
Cecilia Reyes
The most reluctant X-Men
Nanomachines
Trust
Miles’s least favorite X-Men story
Sabra
Superheroes who wear white
Wizard dogs
Indestructible undergarments
Angie Quail
Candy Southern (again)
Actual quail
Bones
Metal Gear Solid
Officers Aguinal and Cleaveland
The sound of a soul losing its shape
One of many problems with the carceral system
What men do in bathrooms
A showdown
Operation Zero Tolerance in retrospect
Silly superhero names
Non-mutant characters who pair well with X-Men

NEXT WEEK: Hawk Talk

NEXT EPISODE: Bastion’s secret origin!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 391 – Mansion of Theseus

November 13, 2022 Jay Leave a comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

THE SIEGE OF THE VAPOR ANTS! THE SIEGE OF THE VAPOR ANTS! (Cable #45)

How has nobody died in the danger room?! (I mean, yet. But still.) (Cable #46)

I wish they’d made the bedrooms look a little more lived-in, but it’s still an effective sequence. (Cable #46)

Cable: Mole Man. (Cable #46)

Look at this nonsense. (Cable #46)

That’s… that’s a whooooole lotta captions, there. (Cable #47)

And a whole lotta beer. (Cable #47)

Meanwhile in X-Man… (X-Man #30)

This fuckin’ urchin, man. (X-Man #30)

Nate “It’s always the ’90s somewhere” Grey. (X-Man #30)

It’s easy to forget that even in the Marvel Universe, not everyone would take flight for granted. (X-Man #30)

NEXT WEEK: HAWK TALK
NEXT EPISODE: Generation X!

391 – Mansion of Theseus

November 6, 2022 Jay 12 comments

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In which the X-Mansion has unusually large vents; Cable’s hair should not be floppy; Nate Grey meets his maternal grandparents; and we would really like to know more about the Siege of the Vapor Ants.

X-PLAINED:

Cable #45-47
X-Man #30
What various Nathans have been up to
Operation Zero Tolerance (again)
The Siege of the Vapor Ants
Three grenades
Beefy vents for beefy men
Danger
Shi’arese
Cable vs. Bastion
So much beer
Three rad ladies
Several Greys
Roust
Every appearance of Joey and Gaylin Bailey
Several faked deaths
Possible impact of the MCU on the X-comics’ status quo
Character ages

NEXT WEEK: Hawk Talk

NEXT EPISODE: Generation X

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

As Mentioned in Episode 357 – The Semiotics of Regret

December 26, 2021 Jay 3 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

This cover accomplishes what it sets out to do so beautifully… (Uncanny X-Men #337)

…as does its credits page. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Nothing is entirely okay here. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Hank, no. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

And wistfulness for dessert. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Ah, that cover. Again. (X-Men #57)

Versions of this have been used roughly a zillion times; but it always works. (X-Men #57)

The 616, where televisions always flip through the most scene-appropriate clips. (X-Men #57)

Clean up your damn flechettes, Warren Kenneth Worthington III. (X-Men #57)

(He’s not covered in water; it’s the anti-psy field and the evocation of Days of Future Past.) (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Not… the Rainbow Bears?! (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Hi, kiddo. (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Psychology is… different, here. (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Sure, why not? (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

NEXT EPISODE: GIANT-SIZE WINTER SPECIAL, feat. Jonathan Hickman!

As Mentioned in Episode 356 – The Michael Bay-eux Tapestry

December 19, 2021 Miles Leave a comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

The 90s-est Rogue in the 90s-est crossover. (X-Men #56)

“Who but I could pose so impressively?” (X-Men #56)

“SENTINEL TZ-031 REPORTING TO HELP YOU MAKE YOUR POINT, SIR” (X-Men #56)

This Onslaught-form may mostly be a retcon to justify past artistic inconsistency – but damn it looks awesome. (X-Men #56)

“And not even one of them told me the actually-important parts of AoA’s whole deal.” (X-Men #56)

Kubert gets so much credit for making a quiet conversation this visually riveting. (X-Men #56)

“You may be a hybrid monstrosity composed of the worst parts of both myself and my greatest frenemy, but at least you seem to have excellent dental hygiene.” (X-Men #56)

This cover kinda sums it up. And that’s not a bad thing. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Well shit. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Scott Summers, master tactician. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Goosebumps. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

The world’s greatest heroes versus a bright orange glow to the right of the two-page spread. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Hope, thy name is Moppet. Despair, thy name is x-treme teen. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

“And on that day, the heroes channeled their collective courage and dedication into a single blast of punching and yelling.” (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)