Fantastic Four – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 356 – The Michael Bay-eux Tapestry

December 19, 2021 Miles Leave a comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

The 90s-est Rogue in the 90s-est crossover. (X-Men #56)

“Who but I could pose so impressively?” (X-Men #56)

“SENTINEL TZ-031 REPORTING TO HELP YOU MAKE YOUR POINT, SIR” (X-Men #56)

This Onslaught-form may mostly be a retcon to justify past artistic inconsistency – but damn it looks awesome. (X-Men #56)

“And not even one of them told me the actually-important parts of AoA’s whole deal.” (X-Men #56)

Kubert gets so much credit for making a quiet conversation this visually riveting. (X-Men #56)

“You may be a hybrid monstrosity composed of the worst parts of both myself and my greatest frenemy, but at least you seem to have excellent dental hygiene.” (X-Men #56)

This cover kinda sums it up. And that’s not a bad thing. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Well shit. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Scott Summers, master tactician. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Goosebumps. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

The world’s greatest heroes versus a bright orange glow to the right of the two-page spread. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Hope, thy name is Moppet. Despair, thy name is x-treme teen. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

“And on that day, the heroes channeled their collective courage and dedication into a single blast of punching and yelling.” (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

BTOOM (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

I’m not crying you’re crying (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

*heavy metal horns* (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Thor, that’s not how it… oh, I guess it is. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Man, these two (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Nothing I can say will add to these panels. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

This shouldn’t work, but damn, it does. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

“In the meantime, I guess you could grab that universe-in-a-ball and learn contact juggling?” (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

NEXT TIME: Onslaught ends, for real.

356 – The Michael Bay-eux Tapestry

December 19, 2021 Miles 7 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which it’s hard to be Joseph; we do our best to explain the inexplicable; Miles is full of feelings; Hulk smashes; and Onslaught finally (mostly) ends.

X-PLAINED:

Heroes Reborn Return
Wild times with the Dreaming Celestial
Onslaught so far
X-Men #56
Onslaught: Marvel Universe
Jay’s definitive Bond
Joseph (more)
The physical evolution of Onslaught
Sense of scale
Hawkeye (TV series)
Onslaught’s goals, to what extent they exist
The three genders
A really big fight
A miracle of magnetism
The (nominal) end of the Age of Heroes
Beast’s scientific career
Chamber’s voice

NEXT EPISODE: Several epilogues

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As Mentioned in Episode 353 – Scientists and Superheroes

November 28, 2021 Jay Leave a comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Forge X-Plains. (X-Factor #126)

Wait, if she’s also visible as herself, why does it even MATTER which wings she uses? (X-Factor #126)

Don’t steal the man’s tagline. (X-Factor #126)

I really enjoy this cover. (Fantastic Four #416)

“NOBODY menaces the Richardses but me!” (Fantastic Four #416)

Aw his silly device. (Fantastic Four #416)

“You have my abs.” (Fantastic Four #416)

THIS WEIRDO (Fantastic Four #416)

“DOOM WOULD ALSO ENJOY A LATTE.” (Fantastic Four #416)

This page super reminds me of the credits of the movie Help! (X-Men Unlimited #12)

They were cooler when they were just a neon sign come to life. (X-Men Unlimited #12)

This probably happens to Strange a lot. (X-Men Unlimited #12)

I’m sorry, Spite; I can’t take you seriously without a Y and possibly a gratuitous apostrophe in your name. (X-Men Unlimited #12)

A large boy. (X-Men Unlimited #12)

…they fight crime! (X-Men Unlimited #12)

NEXT EPISODE: some bullshit.

LINKS & FURTHER SPINOFFS

I’m pretty sure we’ve linked to Robert Cop before, but just in case, here you go.

353 – Scientists and Superheroes

November 21, 2021 Jay 10 comments

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In which Dark Beast is an unlikely father figure; Wild Child remains low-budget Wolverine; X-Factor foreshadows the XSE; no one else thwarts Richardses on Doom’s watch; the cow goes “hate”; and Juggernaut fails to grow as a person.

X-PLAINED:

The Red Ghost
Onslaught thus far
X-Factor #126
Fantastic Four #416
X-Men Unlimited #12
Random’s origins (kind of)
Pinochle
Kristoff Vernard
Several villains
Juggernaut’s adventures in the Gem of Cyttorak
Gomurr the Ancient (again)
Spite
Unreliable narrators
The evolution of Cyttorak
Wolverine’s hair
X-arcs we’d like to see as video games

NEXT EPISODE: To nobody’s surprise, Onslaught.

CORRECTION: Kristoff Vernard is not in fact a clone of Doctor Doom.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 351 – His Mighty Hand

October 31, 2021 Jay One comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

At least his astral form also works out. (Uncanny X-Men #336)

The size difference is endlessly amusing. (Uncanny X-Men #336)

You done good, Gambit. (Uncanny X-Men #336)

For those of you who collect reaction images. (Uncanny X-Men #336)

Seriously–PERFECT CYLINDER. (Uncanny X-Men #336)

It always seems weird to me that when Cable’s arm is like that it doesn’t seem to cause any mobility or balance issues. (Cable #35)

They’ll team up, but, damnit, they won’t enjoy it. (Cable #35)

Meanwhile at your neighborhood roller rink… (Cable #35)

He’s like a tiny pet Franklin getting walked around Manhattan! (Cable #35)

SO THERE, ONSLAUGHT. (Cable #35)

That throne is so creepy and gross and awesome. (X-Man #19)

Remember the Age of Apocalypse? Nate does! (X-Man #19)

Aw, kiddo. (X-Factor #58)

They’re all very neatly arranged, at least. (X-Factor #58)

Tabitha really needs some healthier coping mechanisms. (X-Factor #58)

AW, KIDDO. (X-Factor #58)

Please google “highland cattle” immediately and join me in giggling. (X-Factor #58)

Smelling the vegetation… and possibly hiding a pot of gold. (X-Factor #58)

Domino’s fantasies do not allow for teenage intrusion, TYVM. (X-Factor #58)

NEXT EPISODE: Onslaught, still, obviously.

351 – His Mighty Hand

October 31, 2021 Jay 7 comments

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In which we enter Phase 2 of Onslaught; Cable is a man of many purposes; Onslaught gets a makeover; Intentions only matter if you’re Longshot; and Sue Richards will pull over this crossover event right now if you don’t behave.

X-PLAINED:

Red Onslaught
Onslaught Phase 1
Uncanny X-Men #336
Cable #35
X-Man #19
X-Force #58
A large number of team-ups
Onslaught, but make it a seder
Watcher undercarriage
Onslaught’s second form
Cable and Apocalypse vs. Onslaught
Nate Grey vs. Sinister
A trap
Several flashbacks and fantasies
Symbolic roles within X-Force
What Banshee’s sonic scream sounds like
Pecs as envisioned by Franklin Richards

NEXT EPISODE: Onslaught, of course.

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Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 350 – The Xavier Protocols

October 24, 2021 Jay 3 comments

Listen to the episode here!

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Variant cover by Dylan Meconis!

Extra collectible sketch cover! You can download your own in PDF format here.

It’s always fun to see how teams look in other books. (Excalibur #100)

First version of the armor. Don’t get too attached. (Excalibur #100)

In all fairness, decapitation would kill most people. (Excalibur #100)

Does he seriously do this for EVERY mutant? Or just X-Men? Or–? (Excalibur #100)

Meanwhile in a circus in Franklin Richards’s head… (Fantastic Four #415)

I’ll admit: They look remarkably cool.

You don’t say, Reed. (Fantastic Four #415)

THE EYEBROWS OF TRUTH! (Fantastic Four #415)

What a good rug. (Fantastic Four #415)

This is among the weirder meta-product placement I’ve seen. (Fantastic Four #415)

There’s… a lot going on on that cover. (X-Factor #125)

Everything but the skateboard. (X-Factor #125)

Somewhere, one is experimentally gnawing on Hearst Tower. (X-Men #55)

How you can tell it’s a Really Big Event. (X-Men #55)

IT’S REALLY NOT THE TIME, BOBBY. (X-Men #55)

I don’t know why, but Onslaught’s pose in this panel cracks me the hell up. (X-Men #55)

That is… somewhat different from its previous appearance. (X-Men #55)

That certainly is an ebon citadel! (X-Men #55)

That’s quite a look, Onslaught of the Future! (X-Men #55)

NEXT EPISODE: Yep, more Onslaught.

LINKS & FURTHER CHOICES

Caps for Sale is a real and delightful book!
“Magneto’s Cape” is based on “Lily’s Eyes” from the excellent Secret Garden musical.

350 – The Xavier Protocols

October 24, 2021 Jay 36 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Variant cover by Dylan Meconis!

And a real, live, downloadable sketch variant!

In which we celebrate a milestone with a special collectible episode; there may already be a Charles Xavier in your basement; Onslaught lacks subtlety; Bill Watterson may or may not have changed his licensing policy on Earth-616; guns should not have hair; and Jay once again exercises his questionable lyrical skills.

X-PLAINED:

Excalibur #100
Fantastic Four #415
X-Factor #125
X-Men #55
Onslaught (more) (again)
The Xavier Protocols
The many secret subbasements of Charles Francis Xavier
The Xavier Protocols
An extremely poor file-retrieval system
Onslaught vs. the Fantastic Four
Li’l Charlie
A circus, kind of
Lang disambiguation
Onslaught’s new look
Onslaught vs. several Avengers
An unlicensed rug
The only thing Bill Watterson loves
Metaphorical Turkish delight
The Brand Corporation (more) (again)
Dark Descendents
Hairy guns
Caps for Sale
A really big fight
A very dramatic EMP
Why Onslaught looks like that

NEXT EPISODE: Yep, more Onslaught!

“Magneto’s Cape” lyrics by Jay Edidin, with apologies to Marsha Norman. Performed by Steve Pence and Adam Faruqi and produced by Adam Faruqi.

CORRECTION: There are only three variant covers to this episode, not four; Jen Vaughn had to bow out due to other commitments.

Check out the visual companion to this post on our blog.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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152 – Ghosts of Future Present

March 27, 2017 Jay 57 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Contact David to purchase the original!

In which Franklin Richards makes everything more complicated; Reed Richards is a terrible parent; Days of Future Present is a surprisingly good ghost story; Valeria Richards is awesome (but does not appear in this crossover); everyone’s got hounds these days; Banshee is your sad cyborg dad; Phoenix has a lot of feelings; and X-Factor once again manages to up the ante for child endangerment.

X-PLAINED:

Nightcrawler’s brief clerical career
Days of Future Present
Annuals, in general
Some extraordinarily specific Namor headcanon
Fantastic Four Annual #23
New Mutants Annual #6
X-Factor Annual #5
Uncanny X-Men Annual #14
Franklin Richards
Several statuses quo
The reproductive potential of Doombots
Ms. Marvel (Sharon Ventura)
Ahab
A Code Red Time Emergency
One of Jay’s dream pitches
Your sad cyborg dad
The worst tea party
One hell of a kiss
Robocop vs. Terminator

NEXT EPISODE: Excalibur gets eclectic!

The visual companion to this episode will be up later this week.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 110 – Lights, Camera, Apocalypse!

May 22, 2016 Jay 7 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

We saw X-Men in the middle of a road trip the summer after our senior year of high school. Terrible vacation; fun movie.

X2: X-Men United is a very loose adaptation of one of our favorite X-Men stories: the Marvel Graphic Novel God Loves, Man Kills.

The less said about X-Men: The Last Stand, the better.

Jay can’t look at this X-Men: First Class poster without thinking of the Buckaroo Banzai end credits. It’s a blessing and a curse.

X-Men: Days of Future Past is one of the more ambitious retcons ever to grace the big screen.

X-Men: Apocalypse opens in the U.S. on May 27; and everywhere else at some point in the surrounding weeks.

Apocalypse’s on-panel debut… (X-Factor #5)

…and the first time we saw his signature costume. (X-Factor #6)

“Let’s adopt him and, I dunno, feed him scarab blood? Look, man, I’m making this up as I go along.” (Rise of Apocalypse #1)

Apocalypse’s true, diabolical plan, as realized in “The Twelve”: To capture a bunch of mutants and I guess put them in little terrariums? Apocalypse is a complicated guy. (Uncanny X-Men #377)