Lockheed – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 170 – Minor Punitive Heart Attacks

October 29, 2017 Jay One comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Man, Excalibur, way to be jerks. (Excalibur #37)

If I had a dollar for every dream that had started this way… (Excalibur #37)

Spoiler: Nah. (Excalibur #37)

Kitty, you probably should’ve seen that coming. (Excalibur #37)

And now, some West Coast Avengers! (Excalibur #37)

The Lady of the… swimming pool? (Excalibur #37)

Convenient, that! (Excalibur #37)

Headcanon: He is definitely singing that music. (Excalibur #37)

Pietro’s not wrong; he’s just an asshole. (Excalibur #38)

Captain Britain, everybody. (Excalibur #38)

The heart of Limbo! (Excalibur #38)

“The reel, on the other hand…” (Excalibur #38)

“For me, it was Tuesday.” (Excalibur #39)

Bye, S’ym! (Excalibur #39)

And then everyone forgot he existed. (Excalibur #39)

Or maybe you should learn how meter works. Y’know, just a thought. (Excalibur #40)

Lockheed X-Plains Excalibur. (Excalibur #40)

Lockheed, NO. (Excalibur #40)

Aw. Dai Thomas has his moments. (Excalibur #40)

Spoiler: They do not kill him. (Excalibur #40)

The punchline is that they STILL haven’t figure out phones. (Excalibur #40)

This gag really never gets old. (Excalibur #41)

‘Kay. (Excalibur #41)

It’s always Inferno in here. (Excalibur #41)

This must be the best day of Dai Thomas’s life. (Excalibur #41)

Is it ever, though? (Excalibur #41)

THERE IS NO WAY THAT THAT WON’T BACKFIRE HORRIBLY. (Excalibur #41)

I like the idea that Cable is basically the X-Switchboard at this point. (Excalibur #41)

NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor Forever!

170 – Minor Punitive Heart Attacks

October 29, 2017 Jay 34 comments

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In which Miles speculates about superheroes’ sex lives; Doctor Doom is an incorrigible scamp; the Lady of the Lake visits California; Captain Britain lacks basic superheroic social skills; Jay has strong feelings about doggerel; the warwolves know how to commit to a bit; and Excalibur and the X-Men continue to have terrible communication skills.

X-PLAINED:

One aspects of doombot functionality
Excalibur #37-41
The Soul Sword’s origins and current status
Promethium
Semantic disambiguation with regards to Limbo
The West Coast Avengers
The Lady of the Swimming Pool
Doctor Doom’s personal demons
Several team-ups
The heart of Limbo
Phoenix science
Darkoth the Demon (Desmond Pitt)
The Trial of Lockheed
A long-awaited reunion that isn’t actually a long-awaited reunion
A theoretical Frost-Summers wedding
What happened to Jen Askani post- “Endgame”

NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor Forever

You can find the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 129 – They Don’t Allow Dragons in Here

October 10, 2016 Jay 5 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

Lockheed, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore. (Excalibur #12)

Spoiler: this ends exactly the way you’d expect it to. (Excalibur #12)

This guy. (Excalibur #12)

IT’S SUCH A GOOD SIGHT GAG! (Excalibur #12)

Fisticuffs! (Excalibur #12)

This series has the best covers, man. (Excalibur #13)

Swell new threads, Cap! (Excalibur #13)

Princess Kitty, now 100% more bland. (Excalibur #13)

‘Kay. (Excalibur #13)

THIS IS NOT A GOOD FOUNDATION FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Also, I’m pretty sure they’re both, like, fourteen. (Excalibur #13)

Another classic. (Excalibur #14)

I’m not saying he’s not, but… (Excalibur #14)

Whoa, dang. (Excalibur #14)

Oh. THAT guy. (Excalibur #14)

The more you know! (Excalibur #14)

Swell new threads, Meggan! (Excalibur #14)

I always remember Albert being in this scene, which he’s obviously not, because he didn’t exist yet. Go figure. -J (Excalibur #14)

It’s like the dog ending of Silent Hill II, but instead of shibas, you get Chris Claremont and John Byrne. (Excalibur #14)

You tell ’em, Galactus! (Excalibur #14)

Look, we get what you were going for, but, no. (Excalibur #12)

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. (Excalibur #13)

You can go home now. We’ve hit single greatest panel of Excalibur, ever. (Excalibur #15)

Ah, “the old-fashioned way.” (Excalibur #15)

MEANWHILE… (Excalibur #15)

AND THEN… (Excalibur #15)

Jamie Jaspers is terrifying. (Excalibur #15)

LATER… (Excalibur #15)

AND THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE. (Excalibur #15)

NEXT EPISODE: Killing the X-Men, with Charles Soule!

LINKS & FURTHER READING:

129 – They Don’t Allow Dragons in Here (The Cross-Time Caper, Part 1)

October 10, 2016 Jay 44 comments

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In which “Cross-Time Caper” is something of a misnomer; Excalibur is an awful lot of fun to summarize; none of us will ever live up to Oscar Wilde’s expectations; Captain Britain secretly derives his powers from genre; sometimes things turn out to be simple; Kitty Pryde is better at everything than you; manipulation and murder are the new flowers and candy; context may or may not ruin everything; Meggan gets a new outfit; Technet takes Brighton; and some universes are just too silly to survive.

X-PLAINED:

Rick Jones, Sidekick Supreme
The Cross-Time Caper
Excalibur #12-15
Three love triangles
Jay’s mom’s late iguana
Captain Marshall, Lord Champion of the Realm
Prince William
Butch the ogre
Princess Kate
Fisticuffs
Instant air conditioning, Excalibur-style
Bagpipe Vader
An anticlimactic solution to a protracted problem
Sorcery 101
Several profoundly unethical ways to initiate a relationship
Arrested Excalibur
The Campsite Rule of relationships
The logistics and social history of tarring and feathering
A protracted parody
A very large number and several names for it
A theoretical team-up
Ultimate Hunger
An unidentified comic that is not Ultimate Hunger
Some less-than-ideal creative choices
A multiversal montage
Jamie Braddock (more) (again)
A duck
The unenviable fate of Doctor Crocodile
Pairing mutants with metal genres
Inconsistent flight safety measures

NEXT EPISODE: Killing the X-Men, with Charles Soule

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 120 – Observed by a Family of Lizard People

August 8, 2016 Jay 8 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

Hi, there. (Excalibur #8)

They’re totally a girl gang, though, right? (Excalibur #8)

Ouch. (Excalibur #8)

Hi, Brian. (Excalibur #8)

Seriously, it’s never not funny. (Excalibur #8)

I want a statue of this cover SO BAD. (Excalibur #9)

Meet Lightning Force: The Nazi Excalibur you really, really don’t need in your life. (Excalibur #9)

The many faces of Meggan (and some slightly disastrous sound effects from Brian). (Excalibur #9)

Alastaire Stuart and his banana. (Excalibur #9)

Kittys Pryde. (Excalibur #9)

HI, BRIAN. (Excalibur #10)

Just gal pals, pallin’ around. (Excalibur #11)

If I had a dollar for every time this had happened… (Excalibur #11)

Well, then. (Excalibur #11)

Sure, why not? (Excalibur #11)

NEXT EPISODE: Deadpool v Gambit, with Ben Acker!

LINKS & FURTHER READING:

How the X-Men’s Blackbird Compares to the Original SR-71

120 – Observed by a Family of Lizard People

August 8, 2016 Jay 24 comments

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In which everything is worse with Nazis; Excalibur gets its groove back; Meggan has an identity crisis; Kitty gets a crush; a dragon gets interdimensional sanctuary; and the Cross-Time Caper starts not with a bang, but a foomp.

X-PLAINED:

The death of Lilandra Neramani
Excalibur #8-11
The best name in Hollywood
Still more of Inferno’s aftermath
A basketball game
Blackbird disambiguation
Several long-delayed reunions and one subsequent resolution
Alastaire Stuart (and his banana)
Tourists who are also lizards
Lightning Force
A number of unfortunate encounters
The difference between Errol Flynn characters and Errol Flynn
The fall of Nigel Frobisher
The switch that turns the engine invisible
What may be the world’s least subtle euphemistic use of the term “roommate”
How the discourse around comics has changed since the ’80s
Jubilee vs. power creep

NEXT EPISODE: Deadpool v Gambit, with Ben Acker!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes, Google Play, or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 58 – Miniseries Mayhem

May 25, 2015 Jay 8 comments

Listen to the episode here!

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 5/31/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.

We encourage you to judge this book by its cover. (Nightcrawler #1)

WELL DONE. (Nightcrawler #1)

No idea whether “Boggie” is actually a Bored of the Rings reference, but we’d like to think so. (Nightcrawler #1)

Yowza! (Nightcrawler #1)

We want a vacation home in Dave Cockrum’s brain. (Nightcrawler #1)

AND THEN A SHARK WIZARD HAPPENED. (Nightcrawler #1)

Things about this series that are absolutely delightful: all of them. (Nightcrawler #2)

Boggies X-Plain the plot. (Nightcrawler #2)

OH HELL YES (Nightcrawler #2)

Whoops. (Nightcrawler #2)

Don’t get comfortable! You’ve still got two issues to go! (Nightcrawler #2)

Bamfs are basically terrible sex smurfs. (Nightcrawler #3)

Meen. It’s spelled M-E-E-N. (Nightcrawler #3)

Suuuuuure, we’ve heard that one before. (Nightcrawler #3)

Wellp. (Nightcrawler #3)

X-cellent use of sound effects. (Nightcrawler #3)

Lady Bamfs are ALSO terrible sex Smurfs. (Nightcrawler #4)

CRETACEOUS SAM, WE LOVE YOU. (Nightcrawler #4)

That Illyana Rasputin owns a prodigious collection of pornography is the least surprising revelation of this series. (Nightcrawler #4)

In his defense, she does have extra fancy hair. (Iceman #1)

“You don’t steal another man’s elemental puns!” (Iceman #1)

If we had a dollar for every time this happened… (Iceman #1)

Aw, Bobby. (Iceman #1)

This could definitely not be read as an allegory for anything else ever, right? (Iceman #1)

This is basically how all of our family reunions go, too.

Sneaking in the window, in his underwear (costume, but STILL), carrying an interdimensional projector: kind of the perfect Bobby Drake moment, no? (Iceman #2)

Kiiiinda wishing they’d gone with Freaky Friday instead of Back to the Future, but whatever. (Iceman #2)

I bet at times like this, Bobby seriously questions his choice of superhero costume. (Iceman #2)

Well, that got grim fast. (Iceman #2)

“Man, Marty McFly never had to deal with this shit!” (Iceman #2)

And now, a surreal existential hellscape! (Iceman #3)

Not gonna lie: I love the hell out of this version of the X-Men. (Iceman #3)

NO SERIOUSLY IT’S EVIL PALETTE-SWAPPED ORKO (Iceman #3)

Oblivion X-Plains the story so far. (Iceman #3)

Teenagers, man. (Iceman #3)

Parents: the same in any dimension. (Iceman #4)

Iceman getting universe-defying moments of heroism is rare and pretty much universally awesome. (Iceman #4)

THIS FUCKING MINISERIES, MAN. (Iceman #4)

If we had to sum up Iceman in one image, it’d be this one. (Iceman #4)

The implications for multiversal continuity are kind of staggering. (Iceman #4)

Spoiler: This does not actually change anything. (Iceman #4)

Next Week: X-Men ’92, with Chris Sims and Chad Bowers!

LINKS & FURTHER READING

The dubious foundation of our eight-grade friendship.
For more on Kitty’s Fairy Tale, listen to Episode 28 – What’s New Shadowcat, featuring Greg Rucka.

58 – Miniseries Mayhem

May 25, 2015 Jay 24 comments

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In which Nightcrawler does Weird Tales; Iceman does Back to the Future; we want a vacation home in Dave Cockrum’s brain; Bamfs are terrible; the 1983 Iceman miniseries is straight-up bananas; parents just don’t understand; and Rachel will take literally any excuse to talk smack about John Ruskin.

X-PLAINED:

Vanisher
Nightcrawler #1-4
Bizarre Adventures #27
Iceman #1-4
The Well at the Center of Time
The downside to hanging out with pirates
A shark wizard in a tiny loincloth
Better living through sound-effect awareness
Boggies
The key to a classic Nightcrawler story
Earth-5311
Bamfs
The full extent of Rachel’s Smurfs knowledge
Cretaceous Sam
Sehv
Illyana Rasputin’s porn collection
The Drake family
An exceptionally unlikely girl next door
The definitive Miles’s Mom anecdote
Marge Smith / Mirage
White Light
Idiot
Kali (but not that one)
Two generations of Officers Ratchit
Pornography no one wants to see
Death by time travel
Oblivion
Night Man (kinda)
Our ideal cross-media adaptations

NEXT WEEK: X-Men ’92, with Chris Sims and Chad Bowers!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 24 – Ororo, Queen of the Galaxy

September 28, 2014 Jay 18 comments

Listen to the episode here!

ORORO, QUEEN OF THE GALAXY, by David Wynne. (Prints available here until October 5.)

Lockheed vs. Pete Wisdom. (Excalibur #97)

Ironically, the thing she’s mad about might be the one time he actually isn’t, but the point stands in general. (X-Men #168)

Lockheed lurks. (X-Men #168)

This isn’t really relevant to the episode–we’re just hoping someone will use it as the basis for a Kitty Pryde magical-girl transformation sequence. (X-Men #168)

Scott and Lee: STILL AWESOME. (X-Men #168)

Before that one Hawkeye thing, there was this. (X-Men #168)

AWESOME TEAM-UP OF AWESOME. (X-Men #168)

But I think we all know the REAL point of X-Men #168. (We’re reviving this for this week’s art challenge – send your Kitty Pryde costume redesigns to xplainthexmen(at)gmail(dot)com!)

Very Nude Nightcrawler. (X-Men #169)

Dragon-sitting is basically the X-Men girlfriend test. (X-Men #169)

Remember that time X-Men straight-up did Barbarella? (Also the time Angel got pinned up by his wings in the Morlock tunnels. No, not that time. The other time.) (X-Men #169)

This cover is slashy in every sense of the word. (X-Men #170)

Well, then. (X-Men #170)

Remember that time Storm straight-up stabbed someone through the heart? BECAUSE THAT DEFINITELY HAPPENED. (X-Men #170)

And then Walt Simonson drew Storm, and we had Feelings. (X-Men #171)

Rogue also has feelings, but they’re less about the transcendent perfection of Simonson’s art than about her out-of-control powers. Sorry, Rogue. (X-Men #171)

Well, that escalated quickly. (X-Men #171)

This might be the most Rogue moment ever. (X-Men #171)

Remember that time Professor X was actually pretty fucking awesome? (X-Men #171)

For full effect, you have to imagine Wolverine’s lines in Steven Blum’s voice. I mean, you should really be doing that anyway. (X-Men #172)

YUKIO. Much, much more about her next week, but she’s the best. (X-Men #172)

For real, there is literally nothing you can say that will convince Rachel that these two are not TOTALLY DOING IT. (X-Men #173)

They really can’t kick her off the team after that. (X-Men #173)

BRB HAVING FEELINGS. (X-Men #173)

Oh. THAT asshole. (X-Men #173)

Meanwhile in Alaska, the most awkward meet-cute ever. (X-Men #168)

Here’s the thing about Scott and Madelyne: they’re actually kind of awesome together. Doomed, but awesome. (X-Men #170)

As a character who’s spent most of his life in a Claremont-written world, Scott is unfamiliar with the concept of coincidence. (X-Men #171)

Then, again, having spent years reading stories set in a Claremont-written world, we find it difficult to believe that this was actually just supposed to have been a coincidence. (X-Men #172)

Lilandra agrees. (X-Men #173)

HEPZIBAH, NEVER CHANGE. (X-Men #174)

This is funny because both of these relationships are super doomed. (X-Men #174)

A brief interlude of adorability from these goofy kids. (X-Men #174)

REMEMBER THAT PRIEST? Yeah. Totally Mastermind. God damnit, Mastermind. (X-Men #174)

Look, it’s a reasonable question under the circumstances. (X-Men #174)

Oh. (X-Men #174)

WELL, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. (X-Men #175)

Okay. This looks bad. (X-Men #175)

Really bad. (X-Men #175)

Really, really bad. (X-Men #175)

Cyclops-gritting-his-teeth-and-being-brilliant-in-the-face-of-impossible-odds is the best Cyclops. (X-Men #175)

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. (X-Men #175)

Not elegant, but efficient. (X-Men #175)

This is a really good speech, as such things go, but it’s also really funny that he went to the graveyard in his tux. (X-Men #175)

And then they lived happily ever… oh. (X-Men #175)

Next week: Wolverine demonstrates the Inverse Ninja Law.

24 – Ororo, Queen of the Galaxy

September 28, 2014 Jay 12 comments

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In which Professor X is (canonically!) a jerk, Miles has Sidrian Hunter feelings, Kitty Pryde is Clarissa Darling with a dragon, we introduce a drinking game, the X-Men do Barbarella, Rachel has a ‘shipper moment, Rogue joins the team, Storm gets a haircut, Mastermind is still the worst, and Madelyne Pryor is underrated.

X-Plained:

Lockheed
Uncanny X-Men #168-175
Reset issues
A one-sided rivalry
The lowest-drama X-romance
The Cream of Wheat box as a metaphor for infinity
Kitty’s Kostume Korner
Rachel’s questionably-canon ships
The Morlocks
Class privilege and the mutant metaphor
Callisto
Caliban
Sunder
Plague
Masque
A dubbing error
Gender dimorphism in superhero media
Storm’s first major character arc
Our single favorite superhero artist
Rogue
Rogue’s accent
A Charles Xavier we can believe in
Yukio
Punk Storm
Madelyne Pryor
Closure
Cyclops vs. formalwear

Art Challenge: Send us your Kitty Pryde costume redesigns–any era, any codename–to xplainthexmen(at)gmail(dot)com

Next Week: Claremont and Miller’s Wolverine!

You can find a visual companion to the episode – and links to recommended reading – on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

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