Onslaught – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 375 – One Thousand Kicks to the Face

June 19, 2022 Miles Leave a comment

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So many textures! (X-Men #60)

Ororo, you’re a good enough thief that you could probably afford clothes without holes in them… or is that a style thing? (X-Men #60)

I mean, this is definitely implying that Storm ran around the bronze age with Candra’s Heart as a fashion accessory, right? (X-Men #60)

“Dammit Ororo, did you learn nothing from my brother?!” (X-Men #60)

Candra as shibari lobster once more, now with ear-mandibles! (X-Men #60)

Remember that one Punisher movie where Frank set a bunch of cars on fire in the shape of a big skull? That was kinda cool. (X-Men #60)

Tiny mustache or shadow – you be the judge! (X-Men #60)

I know the Shadow King is supposed to be dead at this point, but that has to be him! Look at the speech bubble borders! (X-Men #60)

Suddenly, ninjas. (X-Men #61)

Ooh, nice visual flow. (X-Men #61)

“As opposed to that time I had kidney stones, which was only about three hundred kicks to the face!” (X-Men #61)

Logan is tasting the air like a snake! (X-Men #61)

Storm gets Candra’s hopes up… (X-Men #61)

…before Cyclops ZARKs them upon the rocks. That’s cold, guys. (X-Men #61)

Is it, though? (X-Men Unlimited #14)

Matching nightshirts! (X-Men Unlimited #14)

Whoa. Nicely done, Jim Cheung. (X-Men Unlimited #14)

Idyllic! (X-Men Unlimited #14)

Never change, Artie. (X-Men Unlimited #14)

Ever see Children of the Corn, Joe? (X-Men Unlimited #14)

I wish everyone had a dad this supportive. (X-Men Unlimited #14)

No moppet should moppet alone! (X-Men Unlimited #14)

NEXT TIME: Back to Asgard!

375 – One Thousand Kicks to the Face

June 12, 2022 Jay 13 comments

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In which there is definitely a wrong way to enjoy your comics; Storm could probably use a more secure storage system; the Externals need more camp; and Joseph makes some valid points.

X-PLAINED

What Storm’s up to
X-Men Unlimited #7 (again) (briefly)
X-Men #60-61
X-Men Unlimited #14
Karima
Jamil
Candra (again)
A surprising absence of Howard Mackie
Candra’s heart
Some excessively complex psychic powers
Phylacteries
The origin of Storm’s romance with T’Challa
Kicks to the face as a unit of pain
Undercloaks
The alternate universe where the McCoys live in Indiana
The moppet squad (again)
Dunfee, IN
Yet another angry mob
Multiverse-variable powers
Favorite X-relationships

Correction: The Brandalorian let us know that “Phylacteries (tefillin) are not Chasidic; they’re a ritual object mentioned by the Torah, used by Jews of all sorts.” Apologies for our error, and we appreciate the correction!

NEXT EPISODE: X-Force goes to Asgard!

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 363 – Licked by a Shadow

February 20, 2022 Jay 6 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

It’s hard to be Warren Kenneth Worthington III. (Uncanny X-Men #338)

Hey, feathers! (Uncanny X-Men #338)

Peep those teeny peepers! (Uncanny X-Men #338)

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? SHE’S TOTALLY POUNCING ON PSYLOCKE! (Uncanny X-Men #338)

That’s our J. Jonah Jameson! (Uncanny X-Men #338)

Guys. GUYS. (Uncanny X-Men #338)

Ouch. (X-Men #58)

In which William Drake has a rare moment of conscience. (X-Men #58)

Rogue can’t sleep without dramatic irony. (X-Men #58)

“What do kids like these days? Dirtbikes, right?) (X-Men Annual 1996)

Well, that’ll ruin a baseball game. (X-Men Annual 1996)

Aw, man. (X-Men Annual 1996)

Can we discuss the apparent existence of X-Beer? (X-Men Annual 1996)

ALLL RIIIGHT indeed. (X-Men Annual 1996)

LOOK AT ALL THOSE X-MANS! (X-Men Annual 1996)

NEXT EPISODE: Pryde & Wisdom

363 – Licked by a Shadow

February 20, 2022 Jay 8 comments

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In which standing in fields looking confused is a way of life; Psylocke gets a new superpower; when you gotta confess you gotta confess; Iceman’s dad stands up for justice; we mourn a Sentinel; and it’s probably a good thing that most companies don’t do mind melds as a team-building exercise.

X-PLAINED:

Levels of mutant power
Omicron-level mutations
Miles’s brief baseball career
Uncanny X-Men #338
X-Men #58
X-Men Annual 1996
Archangel’s wings
Joseph vs. Holographic Magneto
Shadow teleportation
The errand theory of confession
Graydon Creed (more) (again)
“Drake Roberts” and “Samson Guthry”
Several ways to memorialize the Mutant Massacre
Onslaught, but an anteater
A fight
Several JJJ cameos
X-baseball games
A highly atypical Sentinel
Several oblique warnings
X-Men ‘97
Media inspired by the X-Men

NEXT EPISODE: Pryde & Wisdom

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 359 – Meanwhile in Britain

January 16, 2022 Jay 4 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Wraparound cover! (Excalibur #100)

Her eyes really did look cooler before. (Excalibur #100)

Do not try this at home. (Excalibur #100)

I’d read an odd-couple comic about these two. (Excalibur #100)

The media X-Plains Onslaught. (Excalibur #101)

He bullshits so well! (Excalibur #101)

Aw, Cap. (Excalibur #102)

Well, that’s foreboding. (Excalibur #102)

You almost–almost–feel sorry for the bad guys. (Excalibur #102)

That’s a lot of Nightcrawlers! (Excalibur #103)

Also some Shadowcats and Colossuses! (Excalibur #103)

Meanwhile in Limbo… (Excalibur #103)

NEXT EPISODE: This nonsense.

LINKS & FURTHER BACKSTORY

We covered the preceding events in Excalibur in Episode 337 – Wild Genes and Old Magic!

359 – Meanwhile in Britain

January 16, 2022 Jay 16 comments

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In which Excalibur has a lot going on; Margali Szardos is never up to any good; Nightcrawler grows into leadership; we delve into the politics of superheroism; Pete Wisdom earns his keep; Miles catches a Prisoner reference; and we reach the end of Warren Ellis’ Excalibur.

X-PLAINED:

John the Skrull
Excalibur #100-103
The current state of Excalibur
Black Air (again)
The Hellfire Club (London Branch)
Australia
Margali Szardos (more)
Demonic ethernet
Captain Britain’s new-old suit
Emma Steed
Dune
Several fights
Combat IT
Boolean definitions of madness
The Department
Laserdisks
Patriotism
Many doppelgangers
Nightcreeper
Another reference to Dante’s Inferno

NEXT EPISODE: Some absolute nonsense

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 357 – The Semiotics of Regret

December 26, 2021 Jay 3 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

This cover accomplishes what it sets out to do so beautifully… (Uncanny X-Men #337)

…as does its credits page. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Nothing is entirely okay here. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Hank, no. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

And wistfulness for dessert. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Ah, that cover. Again. (X-Men #57)

Versions of this have been used roughly a zillion times; but it always works. (X-Men #57)

The 616, where televisions always flip through the most scene-appropriate clips. (X-Men #57)

Clean up your damn flechettes, Warren Kenneth Worthington III. (X-Men #57)

(He’s not covered in water; it’s the anti-psy field and the evocation of Days of Future Past.) (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Not… the Rainbow Bears?! (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Hi, kiddo. (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Psychology is… different, here. (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Sure, why not? (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

NEXT EPISODE: GIANT-SIZE WINTER SPECIAL, feat. Jonathan Hickman!

As Mentioned in Episode 356 – The Michael Bay-eux Tapestry

December 19, 2021 Miles Leave a comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

The 90s-est Rogue in the 90s-est crossover. (X-Men #56)

“Who but I could pose so impressively?” (X-Men #56)

“SENTINEL TZ-031 REPORTING TO HELP YOU MAKE YOUR POINT, SIR” (X-Men #56)

This Onslaught-form may mostly be a retcon to justify past artistic inconsistency – but damn it looks awesome. (X-Men #56)

“And not even one of them told me the actually-important parts of AoA’s whole deal.” (X-Men #56)

Kubert gets so much credit for making a quiet conversation this visually riveting. (X-Men #56)

“You may be a hybrid monstrosity composed of the worst parts of both myself and my greatest frenemy, but at least you seem to have excellent dental hygiene.” (X-Men #56)

This cover kinda sums it up. And that’s not a bad thing. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Well shit. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Scott Summers, master tactician. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Goosebumps. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

The world’s greatest heroes versus a bright orange glow to the right of the two-page spread. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Hope, thy name is Moppet. Despair, thy name is x-treme teen. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

“And on that day, the heroes channeled their collective courage and dedication into a single blast of punching and yelling.” (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

BTOOM (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

I’m not crying you’re crying (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

*heavy metal horns* (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Thor, that’s not how it… oh, I guess it is. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Man, these two (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Nothing I can say will add to these panels. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

This shouldn’t work, but damn, it does. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

“In the meantime, I guess you could grab that universe-in-a-ball and learn contact juggling?” (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

NEXT TIME: Onslaught ends, for real.

356 – The Michael Bay-eux Tapestry

December 19, 2021 Miles 7 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which it’s hard to be Joseph; we do our best to explain the inexplicable; Miles is full of feelings; Hulk smashes; and Onslaught finally (mostly) ends.

X-PLAINED:

Heroes Reborn Return
Wild times with the Dreaming Celestial
Onslaught so far
X-Men #56
Onslaught: Marvel Universe
Jay’s definitive Bond
Joseph (more)
The physical evolution of Onslaught
Sense of scale
Hawkeye (TV series)
Onslaught’s goals, to what extent they exist
The three genders
A really big fight
A miracle of magnetism
The (nominal) end of the Age of Heroes
Beast’s scientific career
Chamber’s voice

NEXT EPISODE: Several epilogues

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!