Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 180 – Lawful Badass

January 14, 2018 Jay 3 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

What you see is pretty much what you get. (Uncanny X-Men #281)

Cybernetic fuckboys. Don’t worry, they’re all going to die soon. For now. Mostly. (Uncanny X-Men #281)

That is… certainly some dialogue, there. (Uncanny X-Men #281)

And that’s why she’s the boss. (Uncanny X-Men #281)

“We eat dinner naked. It’s very sexy. And then we do the sexy dishes, sexily.” (Uncanny X-Men #281)

Oh, no! Not Bevatron! (Uncanny X-Men #281)

If you had told me a year ago that there was armor worse than Cameron Hodge’s ruby quartz armor, I would not have believed you. Mea culpa. (Uncanny X-Men #281)

Oh, no, not again. (Uncanny X-Men #281)

OH HELL YES. (Uncanny X-Men #282)

Professor X is kind of a sore winner. (Uncanny X-Men #282)

And then, suddenly, Storm was telekinetic. (Uncanny X-Men #282)

That’s gotta sting. (Uncanny X-Men #282)

“But first, The Very Hungry Caterpillar.” (Uncanny X-Men #282)

Earth-1191 is AMAZING. (Uncanny X-Men #282)

I really want to know if all these criminals dressed up special for the occasion, or if this is just what everyone hangs out looking like in the future. (Uncanny X-Men #282)

ABOUT DAMN TIME. (See what I did, there?) (Uncanny X-Men #282)

“Ha, ha!” (Uncanny X-Men #283)

Aw, this kid. (Uncanny X-Men #283)

“I’m going to the comics shop to cancel my subscription RIGHT NOW!” (Uncanny X-Men #283)

Bishop, I know you come from a difficult timeline, but even you have to appreciate how rad that Walt Simonson Archangel design is. (Uncanny X-Men #283)

Are… Iceman and Colossus levitating? (Uncanny X-Men #283)

This is why we–or at least the Upstarts–can’t have nice things. (Uncanny X-Men #283)

NEXT EPISODE: Guns ‘n’ Pouches!

180 – Lawful Badass

January 14, 2018 Jay 59 comments

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In which Jay is deeply invested in The Gifted; Trevor Fitzroy is generally inexcusable; there are a lot of reasons to be uncomfortable in the Hellfire Club; the mix just got altered in this little clambake; Jean Grey (kind of) dies (again); Earth-1191 gives the Age of Apocalypse some glam competition; Lucas Bishop is a pretty decent metaphor for fan culture; everyone is probably Kang the Conqueror; and now Miles really has no excuse for not watching The Prisoner.

X-PLAINED:

The Chronomancer and his Chronobots
The Gifted
Lucas Bishop’s creative origins
Trevor Fitzroy
Goatee Theory
X-Factor #67
Uncanny X-Men #281-283
Dapper Lesbian Shinobi Shaw
A briefly useful mnemonic
Cybernetic fuckboys
The return of Warren Kenneth Worthington III’s hair
Beef and Bevatron
The deaths of the Hellions
Warhammer
Some of the challenges of X-Plaining the ’90s
Bringing a knife to a Sentinel fight
Bantam
A bunch of bad guys from the future
Bishop
Randall
Malcolm
Earth-1191
The Gamemaster
X-Men we’d like to see come out as trans (revisited)
Whether either or both of us are Kang the Conquerer

NEXT EPISODE: Pouches and Guns

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 179 – Sincerely, An Evil Individual

January 7, 2018 Jay 5 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

This really should have been a #1. (X-Factor #71)

If ever a first page set the tone… (X-Factor #71)

I made a list of people who draw Polaris’s hair better than Larry Stroman, and there were no names on it, because no one draws Polaris’s hair better than Larry Stroman. (X-Factor #71)

Cursive! (X-Factor #71)

Team dossiers, and some Twin Peaks name-dropping! (X-Factor #71)

Well, shit. (X-Factor #71)

This gag was pretty much inevitable. (X-Factor #72)

The extremely doomed Professor Vic Chalker. (X-Factor #72)

Poor guy. (X-Factor #72)

THAT CROWD, THO (X-Factor #72)

Aw, Madrox. (X-Factor #72)

So, that happened. (X-Factor #73)

Seriously, there’s just a page and a half, mid-fight, dedicated to gratuitous Rocketeer references. (X-Factor #73)

(Including the plane. Which, yes, is later confirmed to be wood.) (X-Factor #73)

And yet, somehow, it’s STILL better than Alex’s M-Word speech 25 years later. (X-Factor #73)

Remember when Alex Summers had principles? SIGH. (X-Factor #73)

B.D.? I dunno if I see it… (X-Factor #73)

Oh. Yeah, never mind. I see it.

Rahne really looks like she’s here to offer you your heart’s desire in exchange for your heart, or something equally creepy and folklorish. (X-Factor #74)

Meet Slab. He’s a Nasty Boy. (X-Factor #74)

Write your own dick joke. (X-Factor #74)

Man, Evil Madrox is so creepy! (X-Factor #74)

Meet the Nasty Boys! Also Senator Shaffran, but he’s going to die soon, so, whatever. (X-Factor #75)

OKAY BUT HOW DO THE CLOTHES WORK?! (X-Factor #75)

It’s not common knowledge, but actually, all U.S. senators can do this. (X-Factor #75)

It’s funny ’cause his name’s Ricochet. (X-Factor #75)

NEXT EPISODE: Time Cops and Time Bandits!

179 – Sincerely, An Evil Individual

January 7, 2018 Jay 61 comments

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In which X-Factor gets a revamp; Larry Stroman is the best part of 1991; Havok used to have principles; Multiple Man is his own worst enemy; Jay’s Doonesbury knowledge finally becomes relevant; Strong Guy breaks the Washington Monument; and Val Cooper may or may not have married Mister Sinister.

X-PLAINED:

The Madrox who got away
Alan Disambiguation
The X-Factor that might have been
X-Factor #71-75
Banter™
A small selection of a gratuitously large volume of pop-culture references
An evil individual
One of the many deaths of Multiple Man
Larry Stroman extras
Professor Vic Chalker
A Sinister scheme
The iteration of X-Factor most likely to end up naked on television
Your real-life Jamie Madrox reference
GeeCees
A canonical Doonesbury reference
One way to get out of writing a term paper
The proper plural of Madrox
Ricochet
The Nasty Boys
Death by irony
The evolution of Magik’s Soul Sword
Why female superheroes rarely date civilian men

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 178 – Giant-Size Special #6

January 7, 2018 Jay 2 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

The All-New, All-Yelling X-Men! (X-Men #1)

Say what you want about Jim Lee’s art, but his Magneto is GREAT. (X-Men #1)

You’d think S.H.I.E.L.D. would pay Nick Fury enough to buy a suit that fits. (X-Men #1)

Fun fact: almost every spot illustration of an X-Man that you’ve ever seen comes from this or the following issue. (X-Men #1)

We are worried about Psylocke. (X-Men #1)

CORRECTION: Gambit did not kiss Jean. He kissed a robot replica of Jean, which then exploded. We regret the error, but Gambit probably regrets it more. (X-Men #1)

LOOK AT THIS FASHION GOD. (X-Men #1)

“Also, one of them has an underscore in his Twitter handle.” (X-Men #1)

Magneto, master of text. (X-Men #1)

Another image from early in Lee’s tenure that shows up a lot in other publications. (X-Men #2)

Okay, NOW we get it: Nick Fury spent his entire suit budget on pouches. (X-Men #2)

Never not hilarious. (X-Men #2)

We’re just gonna let this page speak for itself. (X-Men #3)

Raise a glass. (X-Men #3)

NEXT EPISODE: Havok gets a job.

OUR PRODUCER MATT HUNTER IS A SUPER RAD DUDE! HERE IS WHERE YOU CAN FIND HIM ON THE INTERNET:

THE 2017 SUPER DOCTOR ASTRONAUT PETER CORBEAU AWARDS FOR EXCELLENCE AT X-CELLENCE:

Best Writer: Charles Soule, for Astonishing X-Men
Best Artist: Alessandro Vitti, for Iceman
Best Colorist: Felipe Sobreiro, for Generation X
Best Ongoing Solo Series: Iceman
Best Ongoing Team Series: Generation X
Irene Adler Memorial Award for Most Anticipated Upcoming Series: Storm, by Ta Nehisi Coates and Jen Bartel
How-Was-This-So-Good? Award for a Premise That Shouldn’t Have Worked But Did: “Weapons of Mutant Destruction” by Greg Pak
Cyclops Has A Good Day: Champions #12, for good friends being good friends.
So That Happened: Last page of Jean Grey #10
Nate Grey Award for Best Cross-Dimensional Import: Bloodstorm in X-Men: Blue
Coming Back Strong: Hope Summers in Jean Grey
Norman Osborne Award for Gratuitous Resurrection: Logan
Light of Our Life: Honey Badger
These Deep Cuts Form a Picture: Gifted
Best Non-X Marvel Title: Runaways by Rainbow Rowell and Kris Anka

Classic Corbeaus

Buried Treasure: “Weapon X,” as published in Marvel Comics Presents
You Tried: Chris Claremont, circa 1991
Why Havok Didn’t Finish His Dissertation This Year: He was busy being Magistrate on Genosha
Object Permanence Is Overrated Award for Inconsistent Corporeality: Amanda Sefton
Murder Rainbow Award for Most Entertainingly and Chromatically Redesigned Costumes: Late-run New Mutants
Lurking in the Wings Award: Guido Carosella
Sauron’s Jorts Award for Draculas Who Are Not Draculas but Try Real Hard: Crimson and the Blackbirds
Let Us Never Speak of This Again: Charles Xavier’s swimsuit area as distressingly rendered by Whilce Portacio
Major Christopher Summers Award for Most Awkward Family Reunion: Rachel Summers and Jean Grey in “Days of Future Present”
Kitty Pryde Sartorial Exception of Excellence: The Rocketeer ensemble from X-Men: True Friends
On-the-Nose Award for Effective Use of Heavy-Handed Metaphor: Genosha
Best Jacket Ever Award: Cyclops in X-Factor Forever
Erik the Red Award for Justifying the Existence of This Podcast: Jen Askani
Future Past Award for Most Anticipated Upcoming Series Coverage: X-Factor

AND FINALLY:

Best Listeners of Any Podcast, Ever: YOU. Extra hard, this year.

Not Exactly 179…

December 31, 2017 Jay 5 comments

Hi, Listeners! Due to travel-related connectivity issues, we’re taking an involuntary holiday break. We’ll be back with the actual episode 179 next week!

See you in 2018…

178 – Giant-Size Special #6

December 24, 2017 Jay 78 comments

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In which we enter a new era of X-Men; Magneto reluctantly returns to villainy; Jay tries to like X-Men volume 2; when in doubt, you should open your story with a space fight; Nick Fury has so many pouches; experimenting on babies unsurprisingly backfires; psychic powers are pink; Claremont deserved better; Producer Matt makes his on-air debut; and you (yes, you!) are once again the recipients of a Super Doctor Astronaut Peter Corbeau Award for Excellence in X-Cellence.

X-PLAINED:

Loa
The 1991 relaunch of X-Men
X-Men vol. 2 #1-3
Chris Claremont’s departure from Marvel
X-Men vs. Uncanny X-Men
Blue Team
Gold Team
Why Magneto is emblematic of Claremont’s vision for the X-Men
Why there are so many copies of X-Men #1
How comics sales are counted
Our very different perspectives on X-Men #1
A space fight
Revision vs. reversion
What may or may not be in Nick Fury’s pouches
Daring loungewear worn well
Fabian Cortez
Flatscans
Disproportionate escalation
The Acolytes
Delgado, kind of, maybe
Several notable absences
The Magneto Protocols
That one time Magneto got turned into a baby
Some dubious science
A semi-invisible plane
Code Silver
Further miracles of magnetism
Producer Matt Hunter
Chiptunes
Podcasting about video games
The Fourth Annual Super Doctor Astronaut Peter Corbeau Awards for Excellence at X-Cellence
Best X-Toon holiday episodes

NEXT EPISODE: Havok gets a job!

Special thanks to Cordelia for her help on the episode opening!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 177 – The Less You Know

December 18, 2017 Jay 3 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Luckily for Terrence, the actual X-Men were ALSO lurking by the playground! (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

“Look, to be honest, several of us are DEFINITELY not trustworthy.” (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

“Also, would you say that your kidneys are in good condition?” (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

BEAST, NO. (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

Gambit is definitely the Least Safe X-Man. (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)

So, that’s a thing that exists. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

Circle of Death time is the best time! (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

Evolution in action. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

I absolutely do not believe that you did not see anyone unusual at a state fair. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

They’re so bad at not being menacing. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

“He sees you forever and ever, Alan!” (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

This panel is amazing. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

“Let us never speak of today again.” (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

The contents of one of the greatest minds on Earth. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

This is a fundamentally self-defeating activity page, and also a really boring connect-the-dots puzzle. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)

Let’s just assume that it’s a slow news day. (Smokescreen)

Centaur? Immortal Iron Fist? WHY NOT BOTH? (Smokescreen)

Kids can’t resist a plaid vest. (Smokescreen)

“So… what you’re basically saying is that he’s a teenager?” (Smokescreen)

She still gets taken out like a chump, though. (Smokescreen)

“Hey, wanna see some of his shrink’s notes, while we’re grossly violating his privacy?” (Smokescreen)

MARK TRAIL, NO! (Smokescreen)

oh my god look at this asshole (Smokescreen)

“Tell me, Bret, how much do you know about the migratory patterns of mallard ducks?” (Smokescreen)

That is certainly one way to do a thing. (Smokescreen)

NEXT EPISODE: Giant-Size Winter Special!

177 – The Less You Know

December 18, 2017 Jay 36 comments

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In which we discuss several Very Special Issues; the real cautionary tale is not to trust Hank McCoy; horses are vehicles of lies and heartbreak; the X-Men shill for a state fair; whatever you’re doing, Cyclops is here to stop you; smoking is a gateway to some really weird vices; and we want YOU to design the latest X-Men PSA!

X-PLAINED:

The alternate-timeline terrible choices of Hank McCoy
Our wholly unfounded theories about Spongebob Squarepants
Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men
VHS tapes
Blockbuster KidPrint
Mariano Nicieza
Some Fundamental Problems With Superhero PSAs
A man who may or may not be D-Man
Terrence
Why Cable should deliver more PSAs
Why D.A.R.E. doesn’t work
Varying coherent cautionary tales
The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas
A tragic lack of carnies
Danny the centaur and his very intense feelings about horses
Several exciting attractions at the State Fair of Texas
Big Tex
Activities
Smokescreen
Bret Jackson
Some of the lesser-known danger of smoking
Whether Danny Rand can turn into a centaur
Hanging out and other gateways to delinquency
The South Side Social Club
Jake
Etiquette of following teenagers around
A villainous plan so ineffective that it’s actually kind of sad
X-Men you should hire for your PSAs
Our thoughts on the Disney/Fox merger
Where to find Bloodstorm
Baby Jumping

NEXT EPISODE: Giant-Size Winter Special!

LISTENER CHALLENGE: Send your X-Men PSAs to [email protected] with the subject PSA by December 27!

You can find the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 176 – My Flashback With Andre

December 10, 2017 Jay 8 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

This guyyyyyyyyy! (Wolverine #48)

JUBILEE, NO. God, she’s not even wearing any safety gear. (Wolverine #48)

That, Jubilee, is a Lotus 7. Your mentor’s car. Not as clumsy or overwrought as a DeLorean. An elegant media reference… for a more civilized age. (Wolverine #48)

THAT IS A TERRIBLE WAY TO SHOW SOMEONE THE GUN YOU FOUND. (Wolverine #48)

Actually, Jubilee, Wolverine is 100% in the right here. (Wolverine #48)

No one should ever make this show under any circumstances. (Wolverine #48)

Spoiler: No funky butts are in fact dispensated. (Wolverine #48)

Toldja! It’s Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby! (Wolverine #49)

WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST WRITE HER NAME FIRST? IT WOULD HAVE FIT! (Wolverine #49)

The calendar is a little silly, but it’s also an incredibly eerie, cool detail. (Wolverine #49)

“I am not a number! I am a free man!” (Wolverine #49)

Sure, it’s a gimmick; but it’s a cool gimmick! (Wolverine #50)

LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL, RIDICULOUS BASTARD AND HIS BEAUTIFUL, RIDICULOUS MOTORCYCLE. (Wolverine #50)

In Hines’s defense, Canada-616 is absolutely terrible. (Wolverine #50)

…and you, in turn, watch the Hydra operatives; as the NSA watches you; and… (Wolverine #50)

I take this to mean that somewhere there’s a splinter universe where Wolverine had an idyllic but ultimately tragic dalliance with a giant artichoke. (Wolverine #50)

HOW MANY YEARS HAS THAT PIECE OF CAKE BEEN SITTING THERE? (Wolverine #50)

I like the idea that the BIG SECRET isn’t that they faked his memories but that they had to reuse sets because of budget constraints. (Wolverine #50)