In which Seanan and Jay break down their favorite X-Villains; technically everyone is always cosplaying Mystique; Magneto remains the gold standard; and we have some concerns about Eye Boy.
X-PLAINED:
Candy Corn, and our official stance thereon
Halloween candy economy
Which X-Character to dress as for your office Halloween party
X-Villains
What makes Magneto tick
Magneto as a Holocaust survivor
What makes a villain redeemable
Face turns
The last DDR machine in New York, and denizens thereof
An X-Villain musical
Mystique
How to make Daken work
Avengers as antagonists
Sinister’s goals
Bringing back Cameron Hodge
Meggan vs. Brexit
Heel turns
NEXT EPISODE: Stokes + Stokes!
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One of those images that has really, really stuck with us over the years. (Uncanny X-Men #314)
It took a lot of self restraint not to post every single drawing of Emma in Bobby’s body from this issue. (Uncanny X-Men #314)
Those Sienkiewicz inks! (Uncanny X-Men #314)
DAMN, Emma. (Uncanny X-Men #314)
You can almost see Generation X forming between the panels. (Uncanny X-Men #314)
Programming a hologram of his dead sister to harangue him in the Danger Room may be the most Bishop move yet. (Uncanny X-Men #314)
He sewed that cape out of SO MANY cheap vinyl Catwoman costumes. (X-Men Annual #18)
Never take teenagers hostage; they’ll just judge you ’til you let them go out of sheer insecurity. (X-Men Annual #18)
[Insert Jude the Obscure joke here.] (X-Men Annual #18)
Don’t fuck with Jean Grey. (X-Men Annual #18)
WHY IS THERE A GIANT SQUID HERE (X-Men Annual #18)
Aw, Bishop. (X-Men Annual #18)
For more of this beautiful friendship, we’d recommend giving canon a miss and going straight to fellow X-Podling Adam Reck’s delightful Bish & Jubes–and, while you’re at it, supporting the collected edition on Kickstarter!
On Fridays, we wear fuchsia. (Uncanny X-Men #315)
That is one sweet coma beard. (Uncanny X-Men #315)
Yes, this is a good speech; but also, I just realized that given that the whole trial happens in space, it definitely falls under maritime law, AND I FORGOT TO MAKE ANY JOKES ABOUT IT IN THE EPISODE. (Uncanny X-Men #315)
NEXT EPISODE: We’re so close to nearly reaching what’s almost the Phalanx Covenant!
LINKS & FURTHER ACTION POINTS
Here’s where to send your strongly worded letter about why Marvel should give us Earth-441:
Marvel Entertainment, LLC
135 W. 50th Street
New York, NY 10020
You can also tweet at them with the hashtag #EarthXPlain!
In which Emma Frost is a better Iceman than Bobby Drake; Generation X is aggressively foreshadowed; Malcolm and Randall are the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to Bishop’s Hamlet; and we launch a campaign for our own Multiversal designation.
X-PLAINED:
The first time the X-Men met Emma Frost
Uncanny X-Men 314-315
X-Men Annual #18
A game show nobody should ever under any circumstances actually make
Emma Frost’s recruitment tactics
Previously unexplored ice powers
The direct prelude to Generation X
Caliban (more) (again)
SoftPaws(TM)
The giant squids of New York
The neophyte
A trial, kind of
X-Men power fantasies
Earth-X-Plain
NEXT EPISODE: We’re so close to nearly reaching what’s almost the Phalanx Covenant!
Game show music by MusicManiac301; used with permission.
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In which the Phalanx would make pretty fun novelty candy; “B-Plot” implies that we only have 26; nobody will take Jubilee to the movies; Repo Man and Repo: The Genetic Opera are in fact two entirely different films; Storm is a fashion icon; Sabretooth is the monster in the basement; it’s really rough to be the kid on the X-Men; Yuko gives Gambit a shovel talk; and a number of familiar faces return to the page.
X-PLAINED:
One of the many problems with Sentinels
Uncanny X-Men #311-313
Whether the Phalanx is squishy
Robo-Candy
Plotline disambiguation
A cult classic
Carl the X-Cutioner (again)
Creative use of Bishop’s powers
Storm fashion
Technical difficulties
A decision Iceman will come to regret
Bishop vs. Sabretooth
What If Vol. 2 #87
Variations on Iceman’s appearance
Early seeds of Generation X
A night out with Yukio
A heavily euphemized relationship
Xavier’s mutant underground
The Phalanx
A shovel talk
The return of Steven Lang (and some other people)
How Cyclops cries
Cassandra Nova’s signature look
NEXT EPISODE: Additional and Varyingly Literal Blasts from the Past
NOTE: Per our expert source Doctor Internet, what Miles knows as “water weenies” are mostly sold as “water wigglers” or “water snakes.”
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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Does this remind anyone else of the choreography of “Glory” from Pippin? To those two of you now imagining these three soft-shoeing through a battlefield: you’re welcome. (X-Men #31)
Spiral X-Plains a thing or three. (X-Men #31)
The eye fairy left you a present! (X-Men #31)
One of those important relationship talks. (X-Men #31)
“Also, I brought you some eyes.” (X-Men #31)
See what we meant about the alternating forms? (X-Men #31)
While Kwannon’s story leaves a lot to be desired, I’m glad she at least got to die closer to its center. (X-Men #31)
Chekhov’s battle banter! (X-Men #32)
Man, fuck Nyorin. (X-Men #32)
Epitath by Claremont. (X-Men #32)
Someday a very confused student is going to fish those out of the lake. (X-Men #32)
In case you were wondering whether Gambit was cool as a teenager: No. (X-Men #33)
WHY WOULD YOU GIVE SABRETOOTH THIS ABILITY WHY (X-Men #33)
In this house we appreciate Henri LeBeau and Henri LeBeau’s mustache. (X-Men #33)
“So, I’ve been reading Spider-Man…” (X-Men #33)
Obviously not, Gambit, or you’d be in Antarctica right now. (X-Men #33)
NEXT EPISODE: Havok once again fails to complete his dissertation.
In which fix-it fic goes canon (or vice versa); Psylocke is a complicated individual and/or individuals; assassins have complicated personal lives; it is probably ethical to tell your teammates about your camera eyes; Beast takes over Blue Team; we get our first tease of Generation X; Sabretooth is a surprisingly fun narrator; that Hickman fellow seems to know what he’s doing; and you should totally come see us at FlameCon!
X-PLAINED:
X-Men #31-33
What Forge does in his downtime
Several retcons, including a metaretcon
Psylocke (Betsy Braddock)
Revanche (Kwannon)
What we are not wearing
Hawks
Digital Chameleon
Assassin romance
What actually (probably) (mostly) happened to Betsy and Kwannon
The Eye Fairy
The death of Kwannon
The future of the Xavier School
The last will and testament of Emma Grace Frost
Rogue and Gambit’s breakfast-cereal habits
All the eyes you’ve been given
Nyorin’s “diary”
A murder cliché
Genevieve Darceneaux
BabyGoth Gambit
Henri LeBeau and his majestic mustache
Our (very early) thoughts on HoX/PoX
NEXT EPISODE: Havok once again fails to complete his dissertation.
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I miss when comics had dialogue on their covers! And when Emma Frost was ten feet tall. (New Warriors #10)
“Your uzi is no match for my very tall right boot!” (New Warriors #10)
If Emma’s telepathy weren’t invisible, this is exactly how viscerally violent it would look. (New Warriors #10)
Oh, Speedball – never change. Like, especially into a mopey edgelord with spikes inside his costume. (New Warriors #10)
Angelica Jones, you warm my heart. And also everything else. (New Warriors #10)
The tarot of the who now? (New Warriors #10)
You tell her, Firestar! (New Warriors #10)
Darick Robertson, you sure can draw… everything. (New Warriors #31)
Background-Cyclops is annoyed at the damned teenagers always hogging the phone line with their endless calls and their AOLs. (New Warriors #31)
Cannonball’s facial expression speaks for us all. (New Warriors #31)
Remember – neither of these women actually has flame powers! (New Warriors #31)
I bet there’s a long German word for the terror that comes from knowing you’re about to crash into your friend’s crotch at seventy miles per hour (and a second word for the terror that comes from being on the receiving end). (New Warriors #31)
Shine on, you justifiedly resentful diamond. (New Warriors #31)
That’s it. That’s the whole explanation. (New Warriors #31)
Emma Frost believes strongly in clear labels. (New Warriors #31)
I liked the yellow better, but this ain’t bad. (New Warriors #31)
In which we check in on Firestar and the New Warriors; superheroes often celebrate Bring Your Mom To The Amazon Day; Fabian Nicieza employs only the finest of lampshades; and Emma Frost still doesn’t apologize for blowing up that pony.
X-PLAINED:
Vance Astro(vik)
Penance (but not that one)
Austin Gorton’s X-Aminations
New Warriors #10
Firestar (Angelica Jones)
The New Warriors
Visual representations of invisible mutant powers
The Hellions (more) (again)
Tarot and her Morrisonian powers
Bevatrons
Oxy-cution
The inevitably increasing complexity of superhero origins
The Miracle of Microwaves
New Warriors #31
Nova Roma
Magma (Amara Aquilla) (or Allison Crestmere, I guess)
A brief and futile attempt at Roman soldier disambiguation
Empath and his large collection of red flags
Gender-based intuition
A massive, stupid, and quickly undone retcon
Super-nature versus super-nurture
The hypothetical psychological roots of Emma Frost’s fashion phases
NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor finally makes it to Genosha!
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