Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

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As Mentioned in Episode 385 – Super Whiny Adults Simulator 64

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Forge, what the everloving hell? (X-Factor #134)
BY YOU. THEY WERE EXAGGERATED BY YOU. ON PURPOSE. (X-Factor #134)
I don’t know what’s going on with Forge’s face here; and frankly, I don’t want to know. (X-Factor #134)
Wow, Trevor. Wow. (X-Factor #134)
Trevor has gone full creepy moppet. This is not a drill. (X-Factor #135)
This game sucks. (X-Factor #135)
WHAT THE HELL, KID (X-Factor #135)
Aw, Guido, we missed you, too. (X-Factor #135)
And now, time for the fun stuff! (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
Comic-book space is a happenin’ place. (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
Either the sand figures are a metaphor, or Guido is a font of weird hidden talents. (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
Ha! (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
Aw, it’s Kreetor! Hi, buddy!
Each saucer comes with a tiny image of Calvin peeing on a trademark symbol. (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
Biff! Bam! Pow! (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
*Rimshot* (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
The comic is good, but getta loada the activity pages! (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
I want to know if anyone actually cut these out and used them. (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
I hope so. (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
Spoiler: I’m pretty sure it’s an ice cream truck. (Strong Guy Reborn #1)
NEXT WEEK: Hawk Talk
NEXT EPISODE: Maggott!

As Mentioned in Episode 384 – The Banality of Evil

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Chris Bradley’s problems include the legacy virus, bigotry, and whatever the hell is going on with his head. (X-Men Unlimited #15)
Ouch. (X-Men Unlimited #15)
You’re a good pal, Maverick. (X-Men Unlimited #15)
AUGH (X-Men Unlimited #15)
Friends of Humanity should not be this over-the-top. (X-Men Unlimited #15)
It’s the Marvel Mutant Sex Web! (X-Men Unlimited #15)
Caliban plays Chopin. (X-Force #65)
Check out that ruffled tux shirt! (X-Force #65)
Mimic has absorbed the powers of the original five X-Men, including Angel’s perpetual toplessness. (X-Force #65)
Definitely Not Disney World (TM). (X-Force #66)
See, this is why I don’t go to theme parks. (X-Force #66)
Meet Sledge. (X-Force #66)
NEXT EPISODE: Strong Guy wakes up!

LINKS & FURTHER AMUSEMENTS:

As Mentioned in Episode 383 – A Dude and His Ninjas

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
You definitely fight this dude in a Street Fighter game. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #1)
Is Warren Kenneth Worthington III a worse boyfriend than Matt Murdock? Show your work. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #1)
Kuragari may be kind of pointless, but damn does he know from thrones. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #1)
This is literally why Jay doesn’t live in SoHo. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #1)
Betsy, buddy, why did you program your dead friend into your murdering-to-blow-off-steam program? (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #1)
I recognize we’re not dealing with reality persay, but I’m still pretty sure this shouldn’t work. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #2)
Do you ever want to force fictional characters into therapy? (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #2)
Spirit Halloween, all the way down. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #2)
There are worse ways to store skeletons, I’m just saying. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #3)
Oh, no. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #3)
Hi, Force Ghost Tar. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #4)
It’s so convenient that souls come in the form of little figurines, so you know whose they are. (Psylocke and Archangel: Crimson Dawn #4)
NEXT EPISODE: It’s probably pronounced like “risk.”

LINKS & FURTHER DIMENSIONS

 

As Mentioned in Episode 382 – Seven Swords

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
TECHNOLOGY! Large men putting screwdrivers into things, turning them, and adjusting them! (Excalibur #107)
Nobody trusts Spiral. (Excalibur #107)
Meet the Dragons of the Crimson Dawn! (Excalibur #107)
Do you ship it? We kinda ship it. (Excalibur #108)
The part of Marvel Editorial will be played by Daytripper in this sequence. (Excalibur #108)
Built your own atom storage box! (Excalibur #109)
That’s a lot of swords! (Excalibur #109)
Xiandu X-Plains the Dragons of the Crimson Dawn. (Excalibur #110)
I don’t know what makes this panel so funny, but it really is. (Excalibur #110)
NEXT WEEK: Hawk Talk
NEXT EPISODE: More Crimson Dawn

LINKS & FURTHER BACKSTORY

 

As Mentioned in Episode 381 – If We Told You, We’d Have to Kill You

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
If Alex Summers had more issues, he’d be a comics shop. (X-Factor #131)
I guess he swallowed the thumb, which makes its lack of repeat appearance less surprising. (X-Factor #131)
The world’s slowest plasma blast. (X-Factor #131)
The real reason for Jamie Madrox’s heel turn. (X-Factor #132)
“And if you don’t like our terms, there’s also a free AOL install!” (X-Factor #132)
Agent Bowser. (X-Factor #133)
The Many Deaths of X-Factor: Sabretooth. (X-Factor #133)
The Many Deaths of X-Factor: Wild Child. (X-Factor #133)
The Many Deaths of X-Factor: Polaris and Shard. (X-Factor #133)
The Many Deaths of X-Factor: Mystique. (X-Factor #133)
The Many Deaths of X-Factor: Forge. (X-Factor #133)
NEXT EPISODE: Excalibur vs. Crimson Dawn!

 

As Mentioned in Episode 380 – Arbor Day

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Autumnal. (Generation X #23)
I miss the Blue Ridge Mountains. (Generation X #23)
Banshee’s powers may not make any more sense in these panels, but damn if they don’t look cool. (Generation X #23)
Howard, you should know better than to appear in any comic ever. (Generation X #23)
“Clearly! I mean, you’re not a dog, or purple, or… oh.” (Generation X #23)
Just a regular ol’ sleepover. (Generation X #24)
Characterization by way of wardrobe. (Generation X #24)
Young Jubilee and her ol’ Gem Fusion pal. (Generation X #24)
Yep, that seems 100% accurate. (Generation X #24)
Emplate, gothiest crowd-surfer ever (Generation X #24)
Ironically, the turtle itself was telepathic. (Generation X #24)
The readers see the pictures but the girls just hear the words. Emma is a master of selective detail. (Generation X #24)
“No I did not realize! You looked much less evil before this morning! And also less awesome, if I’m being honest!” (Generation X #25)
Black Tom Cassidy, Mark I. (Generation X #25)
Man, kudzu really is invasive. (Generation X #25)
The death of the-Mondo-we-knew. (Generation X #25)
Black Tom Cassidy, Mark II. (Generation X #25)
Gaaahhhhh those creepy finger-needles in Emma’s head (Generation X #25)
Black Tom Cassidy, Mark III. (Generation X #25)
Like a samurai movie! (Generation X #25)
Could be worse, kids – Howard and the moppets ended up someplace way weirder. (Generation X #25)
NEXT TIME: X-Factor quits.

As Mentioned in Episode 379 – Stardate: Today

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
FAO Schwarz, allegedly. (Uncanny X-Men #341)
Gladiator is not great at diplomacy. (Uncanny X-Men #341)
I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT THIS POOR MAN AND HIS HORSE (Uncanny X-Men #341)
New Outfits: Trish (Uncanny X-Men #342)
New Outfits: Bishop and Rogue (Uncanny X-Men #342)
New Outfits: Gambit, Joseph, and Beast (Uncanny X-Men #342)
Well, that’s a new look for the Phalanx. (Uncanny X-Men #343)
One for your reaction files. (Uncanny X-Men #343)
Word balloons on the cover are an underrated gimmick. (Uncanny X-Men #344)
Where babies come from! (Uncanny X-Men #344)
NEXT EPISODE: Generation X vs. Black Tom Cassidy!

As Mentioned in Episode 378 – The Unstoppable Huggernaut

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That is a lot of Cain Marko. (Juggernaut #1)
WE’VE GOT SMEK SIGN! WE’VE GOT SMEK SIGN! (Juggernaut #1)
I do not want to be in Juggernaut’s fraternity, please. (Juggernaut #1)
I honestly do not know whether D’Spayre or his chompy demons look cooler. (Juggernaut #1)
They’ve been busy. (Juggernaut #1)
Presenting Black Tom Cassidy’s forked beard and his forked… boots? (Juggernaut #1)
Same outfit as last time, but Spite looks rad as hell in this story. (Juggernaut #1)
Aww shit D’Spayre looks even cooler here (Juggernaut #1)
Even Juggernaut’s skeleton is beefy. (Juggernaut #1)
Jay disapproves of this butt. (Generation X Annual 1997)
“You can’t be Catseye! Your hair is wrong and you’re not talking like Yoda! Aaaaaaand also you’re dead!” (Generation X Annual 1997)
“Thanks for saying my logo right, Jubes.” (Generation X Annual 1997)
Aww, kids. (Generation X Annual 1997)
March 2020 – present (Generation X Annual 1997)
Nothing brings out backstory like a Fear Lord! (Generation X Annual 1997)
Did the power pairings of the current New Mutants run get their start here? Prrrrrobably not. (Generation X Annual 1997)
That’s one biiiiig leprechaun in that executioner’s hood. (Generation X Annual 1997)
When Chamber’s mutant powers first manifested, they destroyed not only his lower jaw and upper chest, but also his swole-ness. (Generation X Annual 1997)
NEXT TIME: Space fashion!

As Mentioned in Episode 377 – Sam Hill

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Milo is better at dominoes than Miles. (Domino #1)
Oh ay oh ay indeed! (Domino #1)
“Miss you? Dude, I barely remember who you are!” (Domino #1)
“And my boots are still full of ninja stars!” (Domino #1)
Is that… a Nike beret? Puck makes it work, though. (Domino #1)
Solid Snake she ain’t. (Domino #1)
Ah, the classic narrative conflict of (wo)man versus man(droid). (Domino #1)
Not exactly the red carpet Domino was hoping for. (Domino #1)
Domino gets strangled, part one. (Domino #2)
…did that explosion just say “Kablooey”? (Domino #2)
Man, that flashback must have been a long time ago. Look how much more hair she has! (Domino #2)
Between this place and the Witness’s cell in Bishop’s future… Are prisons just extra sexy in the Marvel Universe? (Domino #2)
“Ah, we do have fun.” (Domino #2)
Jay disapproves of robot tits. (Domino #2)
Domino gets strangled, part two. (Domino #2)
Domino gets strangled, part three. (Domino #3)
Pay no attention to the mysterious silhouette behind the curtain. (Domino #3)
Somehow, Milo Thurman’s studies of history never included learning just how very common faking one’s own death tends to be in X-books. (Domino #3)
I feel like Domino’s powers have a sense of humor. (Domino #3)
Domino may be an member of X-Force, but she learned how to enter rooms from X-Factor. (Domino #3)
I… but… what? (Domino #3)
Oof. (Domino #3)
PUCK WHY WOULD YOU DRESS LIKE THAT (Domino #3)
NEXT TIME: D’Spayre.

As Mentioned in Episode 376 – Moore of This

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
You’ve come a long way from tick-tick-boom, Tabitha. (X-Force #63)
Dammit, X-Force! You were already living in the same house as the X-Men, and now you have their color scheme too? (X-Force #63)
When continuity is character. (X-Force #63)
Oh, great, it’s that dream again. (X-Force #63)
Yep, Lila Cheney is just that good. (X-Force #63)
“Alright, Agents! Just like we practiced: POSE!” (X-Force #63)
Ah, come on, Bobby – you’ve been to space and multiple other dimensions. Get over yourself. (X-Force #64)
Meanwhile in Spookytown (X-Force #64)
GAVEEDRA BENJAMIN SEVEN YOU PUT THOSE SWORDS DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR (X-Force #64)
But… but ambush is the exact thing you just did! (X-Force #64)
We immediately love John Francis Moore’s Meltdown. (X-Force #64)
We’ve missed you, Julio. (X-Force #64)
Michael McCain, AKA Forearm, AKA a guy in a shirt best described as “normal”. (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
You put that down! Bad dog! Drop it! DROP IT! (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
Meltdown auditions for Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men. (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
Like the Rainbow Bridge but somehow more cosmic! Or at least differently cosmic. (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
Presenting Malekith the Accursed. (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
Is Caliban huge or is Shatterstar tiny? The world will never know! (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
Our high school English teacher always told us we needed to learn the rules of writing so we could more effectively break them. This page does that with its panel borders. (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
Mutants and dwarves and giants, oh my! (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
Hela: goddess of death and high fashion. (Cable & X-Force Annual 1997)
NEXT TIME: Do not mess with Domino.

LINKS AND FURTHER READING